Realities



Quite often, in my experience, people are attracted to some aspects of another person like, how they look, their confidence, how they dress, their status etc. and base a relationship only on these characteristics. Fair enough, if this is in proportion, and you don't dismiss or deny other, perhaps more significant qualities which you might find unattractive or incompatible with who you are or what you want.

As a therapist, I regularly hear people talking about how their relationship difficulties will be resolved when they can get their partner to change. Sometimes this can be a difficult bubble to burst because so much hope has been invested in the fantasy. It has little to do with reality.

It is simply not possible to be in a healthy relationship with the person you want somebody to become when they change. The starting point must be accepting them as they are........or not!

Some differences are either unimportant or can be worked through relatively easily. For example, things like, "I wish you wouldn't leave the toilet seat up", or "Sometimes I just want to laze around at the weekend." Others are quite significant, such as, "I don't want children", "We have little in common", or "I don't want an exclusive relationship."

People sometimes find it hard to accept that the only person I can change is me. It is not possible, and if you are in a healthy relationship, it is not desirable to need to change somebody else.

It is important to say here that I'm not talking about the ordinary, everyday compromises we make to support each other and contribute to the relationship. If you feel the person you are in a relationship (or friendship) with needs to change for it to work, perhaps you could think honestly about these questions;

1. Is there something I need to think about changing?

2. What do I want from this relationship?

3. Taking everything into account, does it enhance my life?

4. Am I in the right relationship for me?

And remember, this is not to comment on the other person's or your own suitability to be in a relationship. It is simply looking honestly at yourself in that particular relationship. It is not about making anybody right or wrong, good or bad.

What does a healthy relationship look like?



A healthy relationship is one where both people are free to be themselves. You can both grow and change. A situation is created where you can come together and be "us" without losing your own identity. And you can grow together.
 

In a fulfilling relationship each person accepts the other's difference and is willing to compromise when appropriate. That does not mean you should be willing to accommodate when it is not appropriate.
 

Good relationships are founded on mutual trust, support and honest communication. The aim is to enhance your own life, the other person's life and the relationship.

You are certainly not in a healthy relationship if you are feeling judged or walking on eggshells. When you feel controlled or feel the need to control there is something fundamentally wrong!

If you are feeling some of the following you are more likely to be in an unhealthy relationship:

1. You have a sense that you have to fit into someone else's perception of what is right/wrong/appropriate in order to be loved and valued.

2. There always seems to be something about the relationship that is not quite right or needs to be repaired.

3. Your needs are not being met.

4. You often feel "not good enough".

5. You are tense around your partner (more often than not).

6. You often feel trapped.

7. Being there is not what you really want but you are afraid to leave.

8. You spend time filling your life with other things to keep your mind off how unhappy you feel in  the relationship.

9. You can't be completely honest about how you feel or what you think.

10. You feel you don't really have a choice about whether or not to stay in the relationship.

11. You feel controlled or you feel the need to control.