Patterns of Relating



In my experience it is useful to look at patterns in your relationships and consider how they came about. You will then be in a position to determine whether or not all of these patterns are still useful today or, if you need to look at how you could begin relating to others differently. Hopefully you can gain insight into what works and what doesn't so you can grow and change.
 

It is my belief that patterns of relating are shaped at a very early age. Then they are stored away in the unconscious. However, quite often without even being aware of it, we transfer them to our subsequent relationships. Some of these patterns might still be relevant in adulthood but it is likely that many will not serve us well. (See Transference in a previous post).
 

A good starting point is to look at the patterns in your closest relationship and think about how some (or all) of these patterns are mirrored in your wider relationships; with family, friends, work colleagues etc. Then think about similar patterns in your earliest relationships, especially with your parents and if you can remember back far enough, with your Mother (or whoever took on that role) in particular. She was the first major influence on your early development.

 

 

It may be easier to do this with somebody you trust and who can be objective. A therapist is the best option because they can help you interpret and make sense of your patterns without judging you or having any agenda of their own apart from your wellbeing. If you choose a friend, do give them permission to be honest and objective rather than tell you what they believe you want to hear. Otherwise you won't have an opportunity to truly gain understanding and grow from the experience.
 

Let me give you a simple example from my work as a therapist. I will change some of the detail (to protect client confidentiality) and focus only on the relevant points. I also want to make it clear that because this example relatets to a hetrosexual couple these ideas and concepts are just as relevant to a same sex couple.
 

The man in this relationship felt quite controlled by his wife. She was a loving, caring person but always needed to make him feel happy and content. This was especially noticable at times when he needed to express anger, sadness, unhappiness, or just negotiate his way through some difficult situation.
 

Part (though only part) of the reason they sought my help was because he found it difficult to communicate to someone so caring that she was denying his needs. She found it difficult when he became moody, depressed or uncommunicative because she was so kind and loving.
 

In the work we did it emerged that rather than having a sense of responsibliity towards their relationship, this lady was taking responsibility for another person's feelings. This resulted in him trying to supress any "negative" or "upsetting" feelings. On top of this he also felt guilty that they might show because that would cause his wife anxiety. She felt anxious anyway because she knew there was something wrong. And it was something that kindness, over-caring and giving didn't seem to fix! So, she began to feel inadequate and resentful. Neither was able to be happy because neither could be authentic (real) in the relationship.


These are typical characteristics of a condition called co-dependency. I will look at that in more detail in a future post.
 

Unpicking patterns in the woman's other relationships threw up many similarities. She spent a lot of time, energy and money on a nephew who was addicted to drugs. It had become her role to save him from himself; covering up for him, paying debts and attempting to police him in the vain hope that she could stop him taking drugs and fix his life. Only he could do this but that is another topic in itself. The same patterns showed up in her relationships with friends and work colleagues. She always offered to work late to allow "someone in greater need" to leave on time. She came forward with every form of help and support without even being asked. This brought more anxiety at times when she couldn't fix (control) people's lives. She was also resentful that others didn't seem willing to put themselves out for her, though she rarely asked for support! She had never considered that if you constantly do things for other people you could be undermining their ability to look after themselves. If you are always the giver, others may come to believe they have little or nothing to offer you. It is good to give but we need a sense of balance and proportion.
 

When we looked further back in this woman's life to try and understand where these maladaptive patterns of relating were established, she remembered being a small child. Her mother was often ill, withdrawn, vulnerable. Her father was domineering and could be harsh towards his wife, causing stress.

 

As a small child, my client took responsibility for protecting her mother, doing all in her power (sometimes without realising, and denying her own needs) to make everything alright.
 

A small child will naturally do this because in the young, developing mind, its survival is threatened. So, she had to ensure that her mother was well enough to look after her. This was where she learned that she had to take responsibility and constantly make things right. It was in order that the small child could feel safe.
 

These patterns became part of her unconscious personality, and without thinking about it, they were carried into other relationships throughout her life. The problem is that the old patterns are not appropriate in the later relationships because the original threat is no longer relevant. So they become destructive. However, the wounded inner child doesn't know that.
 

The work continued with this couple and slowly the old patterns became manageable. This lady began to develop the confidence to risk constructing new and more healthy patterns of relating. Her relationship improved because she was able to let go of feeling responsible for her husband's feelings. Consequently, he was able to talk more openly with her and they started to work things through together with mutual understanding. The grew as individuals and as a couple.

Handling Anger

 

Anger is a feeling. It is neither good nor bad. It is simply an emotion which communicates the need to do or say something - take some sort of action.

It is not healthy to keep anger in because it just festers and nothing gets resolved. Anger and frustration also release chemicals in the body which can affect your emotional and physical wellbeing. It can lead to conditions such as anxiety. Suppressing (pushing down) anger benefits no-one and sooner or later it will find a way out. Think of it like this; why were we given the ability to feel anger if it wasn't in some way necessary to our survival?

However, be clear about what anger is and what it is not. Often, when I ask early level counselling students to describe what they call anger they come up with things like, hitting, throwing objects, shouting, sulking and giving the silent treatment. These are inappropriate responses to anger but not anger itself.

People have killed or injured themselves or others as a result of unmanaged anger and responding inappropriately when the became "out of control". At times of high emotional arousal (like unmanaged angry feelings), the fight or flight mechanism kicks in. This switches off the thinking part of the brain; it is a survival technique we rarely need these days.

Imagine a lion or a tiger appeared in your living room. Your left brain would automatically cease to function and chemicals would be pumped into your body to prepare you to run very fast or fight for your life. If your thinking, rational brain were allowed to function you might take too long to consider what to do or begin to admire the animal's beauty and grace. Result? You would soon be torn to shreds!

The same process happens when anger is allowed to escalate through lack of management. That is why people lash out, doing and saying things that would otherwise be out of character. So, it is important to recognise when you are becoming angry and arm yourself with strategies to deal with it.

One of the best ways t express anger is by talking about it, preferably with the person you are feeling angry with, if it is a person. If you find that you are quickly moving towards boiling point, try to take some time out before it is too late to make a rational decision.

Sometimes people say they don't realise they are angry until they are already at the point of lashing out. This may seem true but it isn't. It is just that they don't yet have the skills or experience to recognise the initial signs. Many, if not most of us, feel anger somewhere in the body first; the stomach, shoulders, the voice or a general feeling of becoming tight and tense. This is when we need to do something to manage it.

• Try to identify what is causing you to feel angry.

• Speak to somebody about it. If it isn't possible to speak to the person it relates to, speak to someone else.

• Think about whether your anger is in proportion. If this is difficult, ask someone objective to give you their honest opinion.

• If you need time out alone you might try some simple breathing exercises to help calm your body and mind. You can still confront the source or subject of your anger when you are calm. And you will be more likely to get a satisfactory outcome.

• Find an appropriate way to express your anger. The most effective way is talking it through with whoever you are responding angrily towards. There's a school of thinking that says you could punch a pillow or punch-bag. I'm not sure this is effective. It might help release aggression but what about resolving the situation you are angry about?

• Don't get into displacement by expressing the anger on a less threatening target. Small children often do this and perhaps it is sometimes appropriate. If a child fears the consequences of being angry with a teacher, they might play up with a parent later. That is because the parent is a safe and consistent target. There may be a consequence but the child knows they will still be loved and valued. In adulthood we can try to find an appropriate way to address the issue in a respectful way with the actual target of our anger.

Anger & Relationships
 

When you have decided that what you are angry about is important - meaning that you are not being oversensitive or intolerant - talk about it calmly and respectfully.

 Be willing to hear the other person's side of the story with the aim of creating a new situation that benefits you both.

Listen without interrupting or thinking about what you want to say next.

Take ownership of what you are thinking/feeling and don't attack. Say things like, "I get upset when you say/do ....." or, "I feel really angry when you........"

Expressing how you feel keeps the discussion honest and helps the other person to hear you. If you say things like, "You make me feel........", it is less likely that you will be heard because we tend to switch off when we are attacked and this is an attacking statement. You are also giving over all your power because, strange as it may seem, nobody but yourself can make you feel anything unless they inflict physical pain.

Avoid making assumptions about what the other person is thinking/feeling just to support your side of the argument. The truth is, unless they have told you, you can't be sure. So, ask!

Don't try to control the other person or win the argument. Instead, look for a win-win solution, if you wish to keep the relationship healthy that is.

Focus on the topic. Don't bring up old stuff - this is emotional blackmail. If the other person brings up  a situation from the past, respectfully but firmly let them know that isn't relevant at the moment and stay with what is. You might suggest that you come back to other stuff later if it is still unresolved.

Don't express your anger in a passive-aggressive manner. This is an indirect way of dealing with anger and punishing the person you are angry with. Some people put a lot of thought into it and others do it unconsciously. It has any number of manifestations. Some of the more common ways are; sulking, the silent treatment, conveniently forgetting something important to the other person, taking up a lot of emotional/psychological space or doing/saying something you know could have an averse impact on someone.

I'll write more about this and other styles of behaviour in another post.

There is plenty of research showing that couples who express their anger appropriately live longer than those who store it up. And of course it makes for a far better, closer and more intimate relationship. So, argue when you need to and have fun making up afterwards!

Why do people get into unhealthy relationships?

This happens for a whole variety of reasons. Sometimes it is just bad luck. Often is it about not knowing yourself or the other person before making a commitment. But probably even more often it is about repeating patterns, where we unconsciously attract people who confirm our deeply held beliefs about ourselves and our sense of self worth.
 

How often have you heard someone talk about always attracting the wrong person even when they had set out to be with someone quite different? This is usually put down to bad luck and usually luck has little to do with it. If it was bad luck and the person was emotionally healthy enough, they would move on from it and the chances of it happening again would be greatly reduced.

I believe that many of us are not emotionally healthy enough in this area, unless we have taken steps to understand who we are, what our patterns are and what we want from relationships. We need a good enough sense of self esteem that comes from within. It is often said that if you don't fully love and accept yourself, you won't be able to love somebody else. There is a lot of truth in that because you could find yourself looking for somebody else to meet those needs that only you can meet.



 

Something to think about:

When you were a tiny baby you easily identified and communicated your needs; to be fed, cleaned and comforted. You were also born with an innate drive to "be in relationship" with others. You needed love, affection and positive regard as much as you needed food.
 

Then, at some stage before you could even talk, came Conditions of Worth. They refer to how you perceived you needed to be to get positive regard from the adults taking care of you.

These conditions were incorporated into your growing personality and you came to believe (and made unconscious) that they were part of the real self. But they were not and are not.
 

There were unlimited conditions we may have believed we needed to meet to get positive regard. For example, a child might not include anger in her personality because her parents' scolding has established a condition of worth such that anger is inappropriate. This becomes unconscious (out of our awareness) but nonetheless is played out in adult life. The adult woman may find it difficult to feel or express her anger and when she does she will unknowingly attract punishment.

This could mean she will attract people who will give her reason to be angry and who will punish her for expressing it.

At a conscious level she will not be aware of her motivation for doing this.

We tend to act out the old relationships where the Conditions of Worth were first established and developed, either to confirm our unconscious beliefs about ourselves or as a means of finding a better outcome to them and feel more secure within ourselves. In therapy-speak, this is called Transference.
 

A child who was abandoned or not looked after well enough can become a needy adult, seeking constant reassurance and putting unrealistic expectations on their relationships. Or, they may simply repeat the pattern by choosing relationships with people who won't or are not capable of caring for them. Or, who will abandon them.
 

None of this is about blaming parents. In most cases they were doing the best they could with the knowledge and awareness available to them at the time. Remember, it is about the child's perception and whether or not it is in proportion.
 

It is my belief that looking at our own patterns and really getting to know ourselves helps us to have healthier relationships.. We are better equipped to choose more compatible partners where we can take ownership for our feelings and needs and know when it is ok to choose to compromise without having that gut feeling that it is not what we want or, feeling that we are being coerced or manipulated. We can assert our needs, ask for support, protect our boundaries and say "no" when appropriate.

Realities



Quite often, in my experience, people are attracted to some aspects of another person like, how they look, their confidence, how they dress, their status etc. and base a relationship only on these characteristics. Fair enough, if this is in proportion, and you don't dismiss or deny other, perhaps more significant qualities which you might find unattractive or incompatible with who you are or what you want.

As a therapist, I regularly hear people talking about how their relationship difficulties will be resolved when they can get their partner to change. Sometimes this can be a difficult bubble to burst because so much hope has been invested in the fantasy. It has little to do with reality.

It is simply not possible to be in a healthy relationship with the person you want somebody to become when they change. The starting point must be accepting them as they are........or not!

Some differences are either unimportant or can be worked through relatively easily. For example, things like, "I wish you wouldn't leave the toilet seat up", or "Sometimes I just want to laze around at the weekend." Others are quite significant, such as, "I don't want children", "We have little in common", or "I don't want an exclusive relationship."

People sometimes find it hard to accept that the only person I can change is me. It is not possible, and if you are in a healthy relationship, it is not desirable to need to change somebody else.

It is important to say here that I'm not talking about the ordinary, everyday compromises we make to support each other and contribute to the relationship. If you feel the person you are in a relationship (or friendship) with needs to change for it to work, perhaps you could think honestly about these questions;

1. Is there something I need to think about changing?

2. What do I want from this relationship?

3. Taking everything into account, does it enhance my life?

4. Am I in the right relationship for me?

And remember, this is not to comment on the other person's or your own suitability to be in a relationship. It is simply looking honestly at yourself in that particular relationship. It is not about making anybody right or wrong, good or bad.

What does a healthy relationship look like?



A healthy relationship is one where both people are free to be themselves. You can both grow and change. A situation is created where you can come together and be "us" without losing your own identity. And you can grow together.
 

In a fulfilling relationship each person accepts the other's difference and is willing to compromise when appropriate. That does not mean you should be willing to accommodate when it is not appropriate.
 

Good relationships are founded on mutual trust, support and honest communication. The aim is to enhance your own life, the other person's life and the relationship.

You are certainly not in a healthy relationship if you are feeling judged or walking on eggshells. When you feel controlled or feel the need to control there is something fundamentally wrong!

If you are feeling some of the following you are more likely to be in an unhealthy relationship:

1. You have a sense that you have to fit into someone else's perception of what is right/wrong/appropriate in order to be loved and valued.

2. There always seems to be something about the relationship that is not quite right or needs to be repaired.

3. Your needs are not being met.

4. You often feel "not good enough".

5. You are tense around your partner (more often than not).

6. You often feel trapped.

7. Being there is not what you really want but you are afraid to leave.

8. You spend time filling your life with other things to keep your mind off how unhappy you feel in  the relationship.

9. You can't be completely honest about how you feel or what you think.

10. You feel you don't really have a choice about whether or not to stay in the relationship.

11. You feel controlled or you feel the need to control.