Why do people get into unhealthy relationships?

This happens for a whole variety of reasons. Sometimes it is just bad luck. Often is it about not knowing yourself or the other person before making a commitment. But probably even more often it is about repeating patterns, where we unconsciously attract people who confirm our deeply held beliefs about ourselves and our sense of self worth.
 

How often have you heard someone talk about always attracting the wrong person even when they had set out to be with someone quite different? This is usually put down to bad luck and usually luck has little to do with it. If it was bad luck and the person was emotionally healthy enough, they would move on from it and the chances of it happening again would be greatly reduced.

I believe that many of us are not emotionally healthy enough in this area, unless we have taken steps to understand who we are, what our patterns are and what we want from relationships. We need a good enough sense of self esteem that comes from within. It is often said that if you don't fully love and accept yourself, you won't be able to love somebody else. There is a lot of truth in that because you could find yourself looking for somebody else to meet those needs that only you can meet.



 

Something to think about:

When you were a tiny baby you easily identified and communicated your needs; to be fed, cleaned and comforted. You were also born with an innate drive to "be in relationship" with others. You needed love, affection and positive regard as much as you needed food.
 

Then, at some stage before you could even talk, came Conditions of Worth. They refer to how you perceived you needed to be to get positive regard from the adults taking care of you.

These conditions were incorporated into your growing personality and you came to believe (and made unconscious) that they were part of the real self. But they were not and are not.
 

There were unlimited conditions we may have believed we needed to meet to get positive regard. For example, a child might not include anger in her personality because her parents' scolding has established a condition of worth such that anger is inappropriate. This becomes unconscious (out of our awareness) but nonetheless is played out in adult life. The adult woman may find it difficult to feel or express her anger and when she does she will unknowingly attract punishment.

This could mean she will attract people who will give her reason to be angry and who will punish her for expressing it.

At a conscious level she will not be aware of her motivation for doing this.

We tend to act out the old relationships where the Conditions of Worth were first established and developed, either to confirm our unconscious beliefs about ourselves or as a means of finding a better outcome to them and feel more secure within ourselves. In therapy-speak, this is called Transference.
 

A child who was abandoned or not looked after well enough can become a needy adult, seeking constant reassurance and putting unrealistic expectations on their relationships. Or, they may simply repeat the pattern by choosing relationships with people who won't or are not capable of caring for them. Or, who will abandon them.
 

None of this is about blaming parents. In most cases they were doing the best they could with the knowledge and awareness available to them at the time. Remember, it is about the child's perception and whether or not it is in proportion.
 

It is my belief that looking at our own patterns and really getting to know ourselves helps us to have healthier relationships.. We are better equipped to choose more compatible partners where we can take ownership for our feelings and needs and know when it is ok to choose to compromise without having that gut feeling that it is not what we want or, feeling that we are being coerced or manipulated. We can assert our needs, ask for support, protect our boundaries and say "no" when appropriate.