Handling Anger

 

Anger is a feeling. It is neither good nor bad. It is simply an emotion which communicates the need to do or say something - take some sort of action.

It is not healthy to keep anger in because it just festers and nothing gets resolved. Anger and frustration also release chemicals in the body which can affect your emotional and physical wellbeing. It can lead to conditions such as anxiety. Suppressing (pushing down) anger benefits no-one and sooner or later it will find a way out. Think of it like this; why were we given the ability to feel anger if it wasn't in some way necessary to our survival?

However, be clear about what anger is and what it is not. Often, when I ask early level counselling students to describe what they call anger they come up with things like, hitting, throwing objects, shouting, sulking and giving the silent treatment. These are inappropriate responses to anger but not anger itself.

People have killed or injured themselves or others as a result of unmanaged anger and responding inappropriately when the became "out of control". At times of high emotional arousal (like unmanaged angry feelings), the fight or flight mechanism kicks in. This switches off the thinking part of the brain; it is a survival technique we rarely need these days.

Imagine a lion or a tiger appeared in your living room. Your left brain would automatically cease to function and chemicals would be pumped into your body to prepare you to run very fast or fight for your life. If your thinking, rational brain were allowed to function you might take too long to consider what to do or begin to admire the animal's beauty and grace. Result? You would soon be torn to shreds!

The same process happens when anger is allowed to escalate through lack of management. That is why people lash out, doing and saying things that would otherwise be out of character. So, it is important to recognise when you are becoming angry and arm yourself with strategies to deal with it.

One of the best ways t express anger is by talking about it, preferably with the person you are feeling angry with, if it is a person. If you find that you are quickly moving towards boiling point, try to take some time out before it is too late to make a rational decision.

Sometimes people say they don't realise they are angry until they are already at the point of lashing out. This may seem true but it isn't. It is just that they don't yet have the skills or experience to recognise the initial signs. Many, if not most of us, feel anger somewhere in the body first; the stomach, shoulders, the voice or a general feeling of becoming tight and tense. This is when we need to do something to manage it.

• Try to identify what is causing you to feel angry.

• Speak to somebody about it. If it isn't possible to speak to the person it relates to, speak to someone else.

• Think about whether your anger is in proportion. If this is difficult, ask someone objective to give you their honest opinion.

• If you need time out alone you might try some simple breathing exercises to help calm your body and mind. You can still confront the source or subject of your anger when you are calm. And you will be more likely to get a satisfactory outcome.

• Find an appropriate way to express your anger. The most effective way is talking it through with whoever you are responding angrily towards. There's a school of thinking that says you could punch a pillow or punch-bag. I'm not sure this is effective. It might help release aggression but what about resolving the situation you are angry about?

• Don't get into displacement by expressing the anger on a less threatening target. Small children often do this and perhaps it is sometimes appropriate. If a child fears the consequences of being angry with a teacher, they might play up with a parent later. That is because the parent is a safe and consistent target. There may be a consequence but the child knows they will still be loved and valued. In adulthood we can try to find an appropriate way to address the issue in a respectful way with the actual target of our anger.

Anger & Relationships
 

When you have decided that what you are angry about is important - meaning that you are not being oversensitive or intolerant - talk about it calmly and respectfully.

 Be willing to hear the other person's side of the story with the aim of creating a new situation that benefits you both.

Listen without interrupting or thinking about what you want to say next.

Take ownership of what you are thinking/feeling and don't attack. Say things like, "I get upset when you say/do ....." or, "I feel really angry when you........"

Expressing how you feel keeps the discussion honest and helps the other person to hear you. If you say things like, "You make me feel........", it is less likely that you will be heard because we tend to switch off when we are attacked and this is an attacking statement. You are also giving over all your power because, strange as it may seem, nobody but yourself can make you feel anything unless they inflict physical pain.

Avoid making assumptions about what the other person is thinking/feeling just to support your side of the argument. The truth is, unless they have told you, you can't be sure. So, ask!

Don't try to control the other person or win the argument. Instead, look for a win-win solution, if you wish to keep the relationship healthy that is.

Focus on the topic. Don't bring up old stuff - this is emotional blackmail. If the other person brings up  a situation from the past, respectfully but firmly let them know that isn't relevant at the moment and stay with what is. You might suggest that you come back to other stuff later if it is still unresolved.

Don't express your anger in a passive-aggressive manner. This is an indirect way of dealing with anger and punishing the person you are angry with. Some people put a lot of thought into it and others do it unconsciously. It has any number of manifestations. Some of the more common ways are; sulking, the silent treatment, conveniently forgetting something important to the other person, taking up a lot of emotional/psychological space or doing/saying something you know could have an averse impact on someone.

I'll write more about this and other styles of behaviour in another post.

There is plenty of research showing that couples who express their anger appropriately live longer than those who store it up. And of course it makes for a far better, closer and more intimate relationship. So, argue when you need to and have fun making up afterwards!