Patterns of Relating



In my experience it is useful to look at patterns in your relationships and consider how they came about. You will then be in a position to determine whether or not all of these patterns are still useful today or, if you need to look at how you could begin relating to others differently. Hopefully you can gain insight into what works and what doesn't so you can grow and change.
 

It is my belief that patterns of relating are shaped at a very early age. Then they are stored away in the unconscious. However, quite often without even being aware of it, we transfer them to our subsequent relationships. Some of these patterns might still be relevant in adulthood but it is likely that many will not serve us well. (See Transference in a previous post).
 

A good starting point is to look at the patterns in your closest relationship and think about how some (or all) of these patterns are mirrored in your wider relationships; with family, friends, work colleagues etc. Then think about similar patterns in your earliest relationships, especially with your parents and if you can remember back far enough, with your Mother (or whoever took on that role) in particular. She was the first major influence on your early development.

 

 

It may be easier to do this with somebody you trust and who can be objective. A therapist is the best option because they can help you interpret and make sense of your patterns without judging you or having any agenda of their own apart from your wellbeing. If you choose a friend, do give them permission to be honest and objective rather than tell you what they believe you want to hear. Otherwise you won't have an opportunity to truly gain understanding and grow from the experience.
 

Let me give you a simple example from my work as a therapist. I will change some of the detail (to protect client confidentiality) and focus only on the relevant points. I also want to make it clear that because this example relatets to a hetrosexual couple these ideas and concepts are just as relevant to a same sex couple.
 

The man in this relationship felt quite controlled by his wife. She was a loving, caring person but always needed to make him feel happy and content. This was especially noticable at times when he needed to express anger, sadness, unhappiness, or just negotiate his way through some difficult situation.
 

Part (though only part) of the reason they sought my help was because he found it difficult to communicate to someone so caring that she was denying his needs. She found it difficult when he became moody, depressed or uncommunicative because she was so kind and loving.
 

In the work we did it emerged that rather than having a sense of responsibliity towards their relationship, this lady was taking responsibility for another person's feelings. This resulted in him trying to supress any "negative" or "upsetting" feelings. On top of this he also felt guilty that they might show because that would cause his wife anxiety. She felt anxious anyway because she knew there was something wrong. And it was something that kindness, over-caring and giving didn't seem to fix! So, she began to feel inadequate and resentful. Neither was able to be happy because neither could be authentic (real) in the relationship.


These are typical characteristics of a condition called co-dependency. I will look at that in more detail in a future post.
 

Unpicking patterns in the woman's other relationships threw up many similarities. She spent a lot of time, energy and money on a nephew who was addicted to drugs. It had become her role to save him from himself; covering up for him, paying debts and attempting to police him in the vain hope that she could stop him taking drugs and fix his life. Only he could do this but that is another topic in itself. The same patterns showed up in her relationships with friends and work colleagues. She always offered to work late to allow "someone in greater need" to leave on time. She came forward with every form of help and support without even being asked. This brought more anxiety at times when she couldn't fix (control) people's lives. She was also resentful that others didn't seem willing to put themselves out for her, though she rarely asked for support! She had never considered that if you constantly do things for other people you could be undermining their ability to look after themselves. If you are always the giver, others may come to believe they have little or nothing to offer you. It is good to give but we need a sense of balance and proportion.
 

When we looked further back in this woman's life to try and understand where these maladaptive patterns of relating were established, she remembered being a small child. Her mother was often ill, withdrawn, vulnerable. Her father was domineering and could be harsh towards his wife, causing stress.

 

As a small child, my client took responsibility for protecting her mother, doing all in her power (sometimes without realising, and denying her own needs) to make everything alright.
 

A small child will naturally do this because in the young, developing mind, its survival is threatened. So, she had to ensure that her mother was well enough to look after her. This was where she learned that she had to take responsibility and constantly make things right. It was in order that the small child could feel safe.
 

These patterns became part of her unconscious personality, and without thinking about it, they were carried into other relationships throughout her life. The problem is that the old patterns are not appropriate in the later relationships because the original threat is no longer relevant. So they become destructive. However, the wounded inner child doesn't know that.
 

The work continued with this couple and slowly the old patterns became manageable. This lady began to develop the confidence to risk constructing new and more healthy patterns of relating. Her relationship improved because she was able to let go of feeling responsible for her husband's feelings. Consequently, he was able to talk more openly with her and they started to work things through together with mutual understanding. The grew as individuals and as a couple.