You've given it your all and tried everything but it is still not right. You're considering finishing the relationship but you are still uncertain.
If you're not getting what you want or need from a relationship it is probably time to part ways. That might sound selfish but if you are not getting what you need, neither is your partner (whether or not he/she says that, or is even aware of it). Healthy relationships require honesty to thrive and grow and if you can't communicate honestly there is a problem.
If you are considering bringing it to an end and can't yet talk to your partner, think about exploring things with a counsellor and/or a good friend. The advantage of counselling is that the counsellor will have no investment in the relationship and should only support you in doing what is right for you. His only agenda should be your wellbeing. What you say will be in confidence and you won't be judged.
If you choose to talk to a friend, pick the best listener and one who can be as impartial as is possible for a friend to be. Remember, our friends have an emotional investment in our lives and that's a good thing. It's best not to be overly swayed by someone who either really likes or dislikes your partner. However if it is the latter explore what they don't like about what the relationship is doing to you.
It's difficult to end
Many people in long-term relationships have made compromises to fit into another person's life. The difficulty in breaking up is often to do with people forgetting how to be self-sufficient. This brings up a fear of loss and insecurity, which fuels the desire to hold onto unhealthy relationships. These are valid feelings and will require exploration later.
Everyone has ups and downs in their relationships. That's normal and most work through them with open dialogue. Relationship experts say there is no formula for deciding when to call it a day, but there are some signals to watch out for. If you experience more than a few of these consistently over a long period, it's likely time to move on:
You're not getting what you want or need. If you're not happy it is very unlikely that your partner is either.
You can't communicate. You just trundle along but you never really communicate how you feel about the relationship, where it is going, your common plans and goals for the future.
You no longer look forward to spending time alone with your partner. You find that you prefer to spend time with other people to avoid being alone together.
You often find reasons to criticise your partner. If you are often worried about their personality, appearance, behaviour, opinions and ideas, you could ask yourself if you are with the right person for you.
You compare your partner to others. When you love someone you don't compare him/her to others. You accept them for who they are. If you find yourself doing this, you should re-evaluate your relationship.
You want to change your partner. Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships with people who don't suit us. We can't change them and shouldn't want to. If you do, it may be time to face up to reality.
You don't laugh anymore. Humour is vital in all relationships. If you no longer laugh, play and have fun together, it is a sign that the relationship has lost something really important.
You do most of the giving (or most of the receiving). Relationships are about mutual benefit. If one partner is benefiting over the other, the relationship is unhealthy. And of course this is about proportion overall. There will be times when one person needs more support than the other; the proverbial "swings and roundabouts". However, this needs to be a two way street.
You don't feel respected. If your boundaries are treated as though they are less important than your partner's or if you are expected to behave/feel in a particular way to maintain the status quo, you might need to think this through. Do you often find yourself walking on eggshells, supressing your feelings or the need to express yourself because you want to avoid conflict/anxiety/tension?
Your friends don't like being around you when you're with your partner. Your friends may like your partner but what they don't like is the affect the relationship has on you. What do they tell you? Do they say you don't seem comfortable? You have changed? you have lost your sense of humour?
You don't feel good about yourself anymore. Think about how you felt at the start. If this feeling is lacking you may want to have a good look at your relationship.
These are just some ideas to help you try to make an honest evaluation of your relationship and whether or not it is the right relationship for you.
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