Assertiveness & Relationships

 

 

One of the most important interpersonal skills to ensure a happy, healthy relationship is assertiveness.
In fact, if you are passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive (manipulative) you are almost certain to run into problems. If any of these three is your main behaviour style the relationship will be dysfunctional.

I've come across many people who believe assertiveness is simply the ability to say "no" or "to stand up for your rights". That's only part of it because you can do both in an aggressive manner.

Being assertive means you can confidently and directly express how you feel, what you want or need, your opinion and beliefs without needing to justify them while also respecting the other person's right to express themselves. Sure it is about saying "no" when that's appropriate, standing up for yourself  and protecting your boundaries, but in a way that respects others.

Honesty, mutual respect and open communication are key to any healthy relationship. If you are assertive you demonstrate respect for yourself and your partner. A lack of assertiveness is likely to lead to negative outcomes like emotional withdrawal, resentment and a lack of respect. I sometimes hate it when someone tells me about an old saying, but often they are true. And the one about "if you don't respect yourself, no-one else will" is one of them.

People who are assertive will say things like "I feel..." rather than "You make me feel...." It is better to talk about how you feel rather than what your partner is doing. "I'm afraid I find that difficult to believe" is far preferable to "You're just lying.." "You..." has a tendency to be accusing and the more you use it the more defensive your partner is likely to become.


Take responsibility for yourself rather than for others and don't expect them to fix you.. Know your boundaries and sensitively but firmly point it out when someone has transgressed them. If you are assertive you will communicate openly and directly with your partner rather than expecting them to second guess what is going on. You will let them know when you are happy, hurt, irritated or angry without fearing confrontation because if there is a problem you will want to find a win-win solution.

Deal with issues or problems as they arise rather than allowing frustration to build up. If you wait too long you will probably become more resentful and the situation will be more heated. Or, you might let it completely subside and then blame them for not knowing what you felt.

When you are getting used to being assertive:

• Take a deep breath and speak as calmly as you can.

• Try to see the discussion or conversation as negotiation rather than an argument.

• Make eye contact with your partner.

• Avoid apologising. This makes it look as if you believe you are in the wrong, or at the very least, you are unsure of yourself. But do apologise when you are!

• Choose the right moment to talk things through, but as soon as possible and certainly not in front of other people.

• If you don't get the response you hoped for, don't worry. You can't control or take responsibility for how they respond. If you have been kind, reasonable and clear and if what you say is in the spirit of honesty and respect, you have done your job.

• Do remember that if you are not being honest and direct, you are disrespecting the other person. Either you are denying their ability to deal with reality or you are attempting to manipulate them.

• If you have to deal with a big issue in the relationship, think it through carefully beforehand or talk it through with someone you can trust. Decide what you want and how you will communicate it. Think about whether or not there is room for negotiation and compromise, then come up with your bottom line and stick to it.

I believe the hardest thing in all of this is fear of upsetting the status quo by engaging in a new, albeit more healthy, behaviour. And, believe me, you will meet with resistance from others at least until they get used to it. If they have stayed long enough with your current non-assertive behaviour style, there has been a payoff for them, whether or not they are aware of this or care to admit it.

Some people are afraid of change and growth for fear of rejection or abandonment. What if your partner walked away from the relationship? That uncertainty is certainly difficult to confront. We all fear change to one degree or another. However, if you are changing, becoming more healthy and your partner isn't or can't cope, does this particular relationship work for you anymore? It is not my job to suggest an answer, only you can do that but it is worth exploration

Benefits

There are many benefits to be had from behaving assertively. Here are just a few;

It improves confidence and self-esteem.

You earn respect from others.

You can't be accused of fudging or being unclear.

You create a win-win situation.

You have more honest and real relationships.


Alternatives

The usual alternatives to assertive behaviour are aggressive and passive-aggressive. If your behaviour is directly aggressive and consistent, for eg; shouting, throwing things, hitting someone or destroying their possessions you should seek professional help. This will cause your relationships to fail time and again and without some form of psychological treatment will cause you stress and quite possibly physical health problems.

The more common alternative to assertiveness in a relationship is passive-aggressive behaviour. Passive -aggressive  people don't express anger in a healthy fashion. They bottle it up and find subtle ways of punishing their partner. They may even appear friendly and well meaning but under the surface there will be manipulation going on.

Passive aggression is a destructive behaviour pattern and is a recognised form of emotional abuse.

Examples are;

Sulking. Being silent, sullen and resentful in order to get attention.

Giving the silent treatment or blanking the other person out.

Finding reasons to be obstructive.

Being late for something important. This a way of controlling others and their experience.

Being ambiguous. Being cryptic and unclear, not fully engaging.

Conveniently forgetting something important. This shows a lack of respect and is a way of punishing the other person.

Withholding behaviour. This can be anything from sex to engaging fully, not clearing up. It is not doing something a person is explicitly responsible for doing - as a means of punishment.

Criticising and blaming. Passive -aggressives often don't take responsibility for their own actions and decisions preferring to blame other people for their actions, decisions and poor choices.

The list could go on and on. You will have come across your own examples. The best way to deal with passive-aggressive behaviour is to name it and confront it. Do not buy into the manipulation.

Passive-aggressive behaviour (if it is the predominant style of one person in a relationship) has been linked with a fear of intimacy. There can be issues of trust, likely stemming from early childhood, and they guard against becoming intimately involved or attached. Alongside this they will want a relationship so rather than be vulnerable and honest, the might seek to control it rather than risk full participation.