Intimacy

 

 

 

Quite often when I discuss the concept of intimacy with students and clients, they think mainly of the physical or sexual aspect of a relationship. While that area is, of course important, it is only one of several intimate aspects of a relationship. For a relationship to grow and embrace deep love there needs to be several others.

 

Emotional intimacy. This is about being emotionally close to the other person, feeling able to let your defences down and let them know who you really are and what you really feel. It is also about being able to share in his/her feelings too. If you can't share the difficult feelings as well as the exciting and happy feelings, is there a problem? Why are they hidden? Is this truly a relationship at all?

 

Sometimes intimacy doesn't require words but if you can vocalise your thoughts and feelings, it is more likely to occur. It certainly has no chance if you are avoiding letting your partner know how you feel, or if you are expecting them to second guess. If this is the case, you might want to think what it is you are avoiding. Are you afraid they will reject you or walk away if they know the real you; how you feel, think, what you want, need? If so, then aren't you already abandoned because they can't deeply love someone they don't know; who only shows selected parts of themselves. That is just being in love with an idea, a fantasy rather than a person.

 

Psychologist, Robert Firestone, talked about the "fantasy bond", meaning a way of relating that is a substitute for a real, loving relationship. He said, "this illusion of connection and closeness allows a couple to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance".

 

Intellectual intimacy.  You are on the same wavelength. Do you share thoughts and ideas and feel able to understand each other's thought processes? Of course, you will have different views and opinions on some things. Some people in satisfying relationships vote for different political parties or might not share all of the same interests. However, it is important that there are some common areas and that you feel able to accept each other's differences. Otherwise, rather than making healthy compromises, you end up simply accommodating at your own expense. Is this true intimacy?

 

Sexual intimacy. Do you enjoy being close physically and sharing a meaningful connection with each other? Perhaps a  way of knowing this is whether or not you like mutual touch, sensuality and sexual pleasure. Do the little touches count and bring you together? Is your sexual relationship mutually satisfying? If not, is this something you are able to work on or, have you tried and failed? What might that tell you about the sexual intimacy in this relationship?

 

Recreational intimacy. This is about being able to relax and have fun, laugh together because you have similar needs and interests. You will both have other interests and that is healthy but do you have enough in common to share?

 

Many people in new relationships feel they have reached a new level of intimacy. This is usual when you fall in love. It is exciting and you can imagine nothing more fulfilling. But as you go through the highs and lows and work through them (by not ignoring them), you discover deeper and deeper levels of real intimacy. And every time this happens the relationship becomes richer and more fulfilling.

 

Intimacy is about confronting situations together and talking through how you feel about each other and the relationship. It is also about knowing yourself and being prepared to risk allowing your partner to know you fully.