Intimacy

 

 

 

Quite often when I discuss the concept of intimacy with students and clients, they think mainly of the physical or sexual aspect of a relationship. While that area is, of course important, it is only one of several intimate aspects of a relationship. For a relationship to grow and embrace deep love there needs to be several others.

 

Emotional intimacy. This is about being emotionally close to the other person, feeling able to let your defences down and let them know who you really are and what you really feel. It is also about being able to share in his/her feelings too. If you can't share the difficult feelings as well as the exciting and happy feelings, is there a problem? Why are they hidden? Is this truly a relationship at all?

 

Sometimes intimacy doesn't require words but if you can vocalise your thoughts and feelings, it is more likely to occur. It certainly has no chance if you are avoiding letting your partner know how you feel, or if you are expecting them to second guess. If this is the case, you might want to think what it is you are avoiding. Are you afraid they will reject you or walk away if they know the real you; how you feel, think, what you want, need? If so, then aren't you already abandoned because they can't deeply love someone they don't know; who only shows selected parts of themselves. That is just being in love with an idea, a fantasy rather than a person.

 

Psychologist, Robert Firestone, talked about the "fantasy bond", meaning a way of relating that is a substitute for a real, loving relationship. He said, "this illusion of connection and closeness allows a couple to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance".

 

Intellectual intimacy.  You are on the same wavelength. Do you share thoughts and ideas and feel able to understand each other's thought processes? Of course, you will have different views and opinions on some things. Some people in satisfying relationships vote for different political parties or might not share all of the same interests. However, it is important that there are some common areas and that you feel able to accept each other's differences. Otherwise, rather than making healthy compromises, you end up simply accommodating at your own expense. Is this true intimacy?

 

Sexual intimacy. Do you enjoy being close physically and sharing a meaningful connection with each other? Perhaps a  way of knowing this is whether or not you like mutual touch, sensuality and sexual pleasure. Do the little touches count and bring you together? Is your sexual relationship mutually satisfying? If not, is this something you are able to work on or, have you tried and failed? What might that tell you about the sexual intimacy in this relationship?

 

Recreational intimacy. This is about being able to relax and have fun, laugh together because you have similar needs and interests. You will both have other interests and that is healthy but do you have enough in common to share?

 

Many people in new relationships feel they have reached a new level of intimacy. This is usual when you fall in love. It is exciting and you can imagine nothing more fulfilling. But as you go through the highs and lows and work through them (by not ignoring them), you discover deeper and deeper levels of real intimacy. And every time this happens the relationship becomes richer and more fulfilling.

 

Intimacy is about confronting situations together and talking through how you feel about each other and the relationship. It is also about knowing yourself and being prepared to risk allowing your partner to know you fully.

 





The Passive Person

 

 

 

 

When it comes to behaviour styles most of us are on a spectrum. Sometimes we act passively, sometimes assertively, and though I hate to admit it, sometimes unwittingly, passive-aggressively.

 

 

That's ok unless we have become stuck in being passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive. In this post I'm looking at the passive person. Sometimes you might choose this behaviour, if the situation, or whatever you are dealing with isn't that important to you.  The crucial element here is that you are making a conscious choice. Unfortunately many people who are predominantly passive are not making a conscious choice.

 

 

Just like co-dependent people (in the previous post), many passive people learnt at an early age that in order to stay out of trouble or be loved and valued, they had to just keep their heads down and their mouths shut. They were not taught how to communicate effectively in relationships.

 

 

Passive behaviour means you have a pattern where you avoid expressing your feelings/opinions, standing up for your rights and identifying and meeting your needs. Like passive-aggressive behaviour it usually stems from low self-esteem. At some level (possibly out of their conscious awareness), the passive person is communicating to themselves and others: "I'm not worth taking care of". As a result they rarely respond directly to anger-inducing or hurtful situations.

 

 

Passive people will often:

 

 

• Not asset themselves.

 

 

• Allow others to infringe on their rights or manipulate them (consciously or unconsciously).

 

 

• Not express their feelings, needs or opinions.

 

 

• Tend to speak apologetically.

 

 

• Feel resentful because their needs are not being met.

 

 

• Feel confused or indecisive because they are ignoring their own feelings.

 

 

• Find it difficult to move forward because real issues are not addressed.

 

People who are mainly passive can be intimidated by manipulative anger and feel guilty when faced with manipulative hurt. This may help them avoid confrontation but it creates a lot of unhappiness.

They even make excuses when someone is treating them badly. Rather than place the blame on the manipulator, they often blame themselves, thinking; "It must be me. Something about me caused this to happen".

 

Because passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive behaviour patterns all have their roots in low self-esteem they are often unconsciously drawn to each other. The aggressive and passive-aggressive personality types will unconsciously seek out a passive partner like a magnet. It is actually true that we put a lot of energy into teaching people how to treat us!

 

Passive people often don't get their needs/desires met and have low self-esteem which is compounded by making unhealthy choices. They feel hurt because they are taken advantage of as a result of not communicating their needs. They usually avoid saying "no" when it is appropriate because they want to be nice, thinking the alternative to being nice is being selfish. Aggressive people love being with passive people because they are allowed to do their own thing, in their own time and in their own way, even if it involves manipulation and abuse.

 

The irony in all of this is that people usually don't trust someone who is always nice. It is just not real and others know that.

 

 

If you are mostly passive, think about why this is so? Where do you think it started? Go as far back as you can remember:

 

 

• Were you afraid of hurting someone else's feelings by being honest and open?

 

 

• Were you afraid of making someone angry?

 

 

• Were you afraid you would be abandoned or rejected?

 

 

It is now time to realise that you have a right to be heard and a right to be an important part of every relationship you have and a right to be respected. See the post on assertiveness and remember that most stress is caused by avoiding problems and people rather than dealing with them in an appropriate way.