The Passive Person

 

 

 

 

When it comes to behaviour styles most of us are on a spectrum. Sometimes we act passively, sometimes assertively, and though I hate to admit it, sometimes unwittingly, passive-aggressively.

 

 

That's ok unless we have become stuck in being passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive. In this post I'm looking at the passive person. Sometimes you might choose this behaviour, if the situation, or whatever you are dealing with isn't that important to you.  The crucial element here is that you are making a conscious choice. Unfortunately many people who are predominantly passive are not making a conscious choice.

 

 

Just like co-dependent people (in the previous post), many passive people learnt at an early age that in order to stay out of trouble or be loved and valued, they had to just keep their heads down and their mouths shut. They were not taught how to communicate effectively in relationships.

 

 

Passive behaviour means you have a pattern where you avoid expressing your feelings/opinions, standing up for your rights and identifying and meeting your needs. Like passive-aggressive behaviour it usually stems from low self-esteem. At some level (possibly out of their conscious awareness), the passive person is communicating to themselves and others: "I'm not worth taking care of". As a result they rarely respond directly to anger-inducing or hurtful situations.

 

 

Passive people will often:

 

 

• Not asset themselves.

 

 

• Allow others to infringe on their rights or manipulate them (consciously or unconsciously).

 

 

• Not express their feelings, needs or opinions.

 

 

• Tend to speak apologetically.

 

 

• Feel resentful because their needs are not being met.

 

 

• Feel confused or indecisive because they are ignoring their own feelings.

 

 

• Find it difficult to move forward because real issues are not addressed.

 

People who are mainly passive can be intimidated by manipulative anger and feel guilty when faced with manipulative hurt. This may help them avoid confrontation but it creates a lot of unhappiness.

They even make excuses when someone is treating them badly. Rather than place the blame on the manipulator, they often blame themselves, thinking; "It must be me. Something about me caused this to happen".

 

Because passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive behaviour patterns all have their roots in low self-esteem they are often unconsciously drawn to each other. The aggressive and passive-aggressive personality types will unconsciously seek out a passive partner like a magnet. It is actually true that we put a lot of energy into teaching people how to treat us!

 

Passive people often don't get their needs/desires met and have low self-esteem which is compounded by making unhealthy choices. They feel hurt because they are taken advantage of as a result of not communicating their needs. They usually avoid saying "no" when it is appropriate because they want to be nice, thinking the alternative to being nice is being selfish. Aggressive people love being with passive people because they are allowed to do their own thing, in their own time and in their own way, even if it involves manipulation and abuse.

 

The irony in all of this is that people usually don't trust someone who is always nice. It is just not real and others know that.

 

 

If you are mostly passive, think about why this is so? Where do you think it started? Go as far back as you can remember:

 

 

• Were you afraid of hurting someone else's feelings by being honest and open?

 

 

• Were you afraid of making someone angry?

 

 

• Were you afraid you would be abandoned or rejected?

 

 

It is now time to realise that you have a right to be heard and a right to be an important part of every relationship you have and a right to be respected. See the post on assertiveness and remember that most stress is caused by avoiding problems and people rather than dealing with them in an appropriate way. 



Handling Anger

 

Anger is a feeling. It is neither good nor bad. It is simply an emotion which communicates the need to do or say something - take some sort of action.

It is not healthy to keep anger in because it just festers and nothing gets resolved. Anger and frustration also release chemicals in the body which can affect your emotional and physical wellbeing. It can lead to conditions such as anxiety. Suppressing (pushing down) anger benefits no-one and sooner or later it will find a way out. Think of it like this; why were we given the ability to feel anger if it wasn't in some way necessary to our survival?

However, be clear about what anger is and what it is not. Often, when I ask early level counselling students to describe what they call anger they come up with things like, hitting, throwing objects, shouting, sulking and giving the silent treatment. These are inappropriate responses to anger but not anger itself.

People have killed or injured themselves or others as a result of unmanaged anger and responding inappropriately when the became "out of control". At times of high emotional arousal (like unmanaged angry feelings), the fight or flight mechanism kicks in. This switches off the thinking part of the brain; it is a survival technique we rarely need these days.

Imagine a lion or a tiger appeared in your living room. Your left brain would automatically cease to function and chemicals would be pumped into your body to prepare you to run very fast or fight for your life. If your thinking, rational brain were allowed to function you might take too long to consider what to do or begin to admire the animal's beauty and grace. Result? You would soon be torn to shreds!

The same process happens when anger is allowed to escalate through lack of management. That is why people lash out, doing and saying things that would otherwise be out of character. So, it is important to recognise when you are becoming angry and arm yourself with strategies to deal with it.

One of the best ways t express anger is by talking about it, preferably with the person you are feeling angry with, if it is a person. If you find that you are quickly moving towards boiling point, try to take some time out before it is too late to make a rational decision.

Sometimes people say they don't realise they are angry until they are already at the point of lashing out. This may seem true but it isn't. It is just that they don't yet have the skills or experience to recognise the initial signs. Many, if not most of us, feel anger somewhere in the body first; the stomach, shoulders, the voice or a general feeling of becoming tight and tense. This is when we need to do something to manage it.

• Try to identify what is causing you to feel angry.

• Speak to somebody about it. If it isn't possible to speak to the person it relates to, speak to someone else.

• Think about whether your anger is in proportion. If this is difficult, ask someone objective to give you their honest opinion.

• If you need time out alone you might try some simple breathing exercises to help calm your body and mind. You can still confront the source or subject of your anger when you are calm. And you will be more likely to get a satisfactory outcome.

• Find an appropriate way to express your anger. The most effective way is talking it through with whoever you are responding angrily towards. There's a school of thinking that says you could punch a pillow or punch-bag. I'm not sure this is effective. It might help release aggression but what about resolving the situation you are angry about?

• Don't get into displacement by expressing the anger on a less threatening target. Small children often do this and perhaps it is sometimes appropriate. If a child fears the consequences of being angry with a teacher, they might play up with a parent later. That is because the parent is a safe and consistent target. There may be a consequence but the child knows they will still be loved and valued. In adulthood we can try to find an appropriate way to address the issue in a respectful way with the actual target of our anger.

Anger & Relationships
 

When you have decided that what you are angry about is important - meaning that you are not being oversensitive or intolerant - talk about it calmly and respectfully.

 Be willing to hear the other person's side of the story with the aim of creating a new situation that benefits you both.

Listen without interrupting or thinking about what you want to say next.

Take ownership of what you are thinking/feeling and don't attack. Say things like, "I get upset when you say/do ....." or, "I feel really angry when you........"

Expressing how you feel keeps the discussion honest and helps the other person to hear you. If you say things like, "You make me feel........", it is less likely that you will be heard because we tend to switch off when we are attacked and this is an attacking statement. You are also giving over all your power because, strange as it may seem, nobody but yourself can make you feel anything unless they inflict physical pain.

Avoid making assumptions about what the other person is thinking/feeling just to support your side of the argument. The truth is, unless they have told you, you can't be sure. So, ask!

Don't try to control the other person or win the argument. Instead, look for a win-win solution, if you wish to keep the relationship healthy that is.

Focus on the topic. Don't bring up old stuff - this is emotional blackmail. If the other person brings up  a situation from the past, respectfully but firmly let them know that isn't relevant at the moment and stay with what is. You might suggest that you come back to other stuff later if it is still unresolved.

Don't express your anger in a passive-aggressive manner. This is an indirect way of dealing with anger and punishing the person you are angry with. Some people put a lot of thought into it and others do it unconsciously. It has any number of manifestations. Some of the more common ways are; sulking, the silent treatment, conveniently forgetting something important to the other person, taking up a lot of emotional/psychological space or doing/saying something you know could have an averse impact on someone.

I'll write more about this and other styles of behaviour in another post.

There is plenty of research showing that couples who express their anger appropriately live longer than those who store it up. And of course it makes for a far better, closer and more intimate relationship. So, argue when you need to and have fun making up afterwards!

Why do people get into unhealthy relationships?

This happens for a whole variety of reasons. Sometimes it is just bad luck. Often is it about not knowing yourself or the other person before making a commitment. But probably even more often it is about repeating patterns, where we unconsciously attract people who confirm our deeply held beliefs about ourselves and our sense of self worth.
 

How often have you heard someone talk about always attracting the wrong person even when they had set out to be with someone quite different? This is usually put down to bad luck and usually luck has little to do with it. If it was bad luck and the person was emotionally healthy enough, they would move on from it and the chances of it happening again would be greatly reduced.

I believe that many of us are not emotionally healthy enough in this area, unless we have taken steps to understand who we are, what our patterns are and what we want from relationships. We need a good enough sense of self esteem that comes from within. It is often said that if you don't fully love and accept yourself, you won't be able to love somebody else. There is a lot of truth in that because you could find yourself looking for somebody else to meet those needs that only you can meet.



 

Something to think about:

When you were a tiny baby you easily identified and communicated your needs; to be fed, cleaned and comforted. You were also born with an innate drive to "be in relationship" with others. You needed love, affection and positive regard as much as you needed food.
 

Then, at some stage before you could even talk, came Conditions of Worth. They refer to how you perceived you needed to be to get positive regard from the adults taking care of you.

These conditions were incorporated into your growing personality and you came to believe (and made unconscious) that they were part of the real self. But they were not and are not.
 

There were unlimited conditions we may have believed we needed to meet to get positive regard. For example, a child might not include anger in her personality because her parents' scolding has established a condition of worth such that anger is inappropriate. This becomes unconscious (out of our awareness) but nonetheless is played out in adult life. The adult woman may find it difficult to feel or express her anger and when she does she will unknowingly attract punishment.

This could mean she will attract people who will give her reason to be angry and who will punish her for expressing it.

At a conscious level she will not be aware of her motivation for doing this.

We tend to act out the old relationships where the Conditions of Worth were first established and developed, either to confirm our unconscious beliefs about ourselves or as a means of finding a better outcome to them and feel more secure within ourselves. In therapy-speak, this is called Transference.
 

A child who was abandoned or not looked after well enough can become a needy adult, seeking constant reassurance and putting unrealistic expectations on their relationships. Or, they may simply repeat the pattern by choosing relationships with people who won't or are not capable of caring for them. Or, who will abandon them.
 

None of this is about blaming parents. In most cases they were doing the best they could with the knowledge and awareness available to them at the time. Remember, it is about the child's perception and whether or not it is in proportion.
 

It is my belief that looking at our own patterns and really getting to know ourselves helps us to have healthier relationships.. We are better equipped to choose more compatible partners where we can take ownership for our feelings and needs and know when it is ok to choose to compromise without having that gut feeling that it is not what we want or, feeling that we are being coerced or manipulated. We can assert our needs, ask for support, protect our boundaries and say "no" when appropriate.