Communicate. Talking always helps

 

Talking things through (healthy communication) is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Honest communication is to a relationship what oxygen is to a person, it can't live and thrive without it.

In my work I often hear people say there never seems to be the right time or place to have an important conversation. I view this as resistance, usually rooted in fear of the consequences.
What are those fears based on? What are the consequences of not talking about what is important to you and the relationship?

We lead busy lives but there can be an appropriate time and place to talk. You just need to create it. All it takes is a little planning and co-ordination.

What I am also used to as a therapist is the "door knob disclosure". This is usually an embarrassing, painful or uncomfortable revelation coming just as a counselling session is ending. In therapy there are many reasons for this which we shouldn't ignore. But it can and probably does happen in your  relationships too. Sometimes you or your partner will reveal something or imply something important at a time when you know (either consciously or unconsciously) that it can't be explored further.

It needs to be explored further! One of you has communicated something significant that merits time and attention if your relationship is to remain healthy. Always acknowledge what you have heard and at the first opportunity arrange a space where it can be discussed.

The other way in which this kind of disclosure is employed is as manipulation (again either consciously or unconsciously). Whether or not it is intentional, it is disrespectful because it limits your ability to respond, or it could be aimed at eliciting a particular response you might not otherwise offer. It can leave you feeling trapped. Again, acknowledge it and make a plan to follow it up at the next appropriate opportunity. Make sure that you don't just react or allow yourself to "pretend"it never happened. This will keep the relationship dysfunctional.

When you have a conversation you need to be able to listen and respond effectively and communicate in an open, honest way. We all like to think we are good listeners but in fact most of us have listening blocks which you might not even know about. Here are some of the most common. Identify which are yours and do your best to eliminate them.

Listening blocks


Mind reading. Assuming you know what the other person thinks and feels without asking them.

Rehearsing. Planning in your head what you will say next while not giving your fullest attention to what is being said now.

Filtering. Listening only to the things that are important to you and not hearing what is important to the other person. This could be listening with a focus on what will support the points you are trying to make.

Judging. Evaluating the other person and what they say rather than trying to see it from their perspective.

Sparring. Invalidating the other person by arguing rather than attempting to hear and understand.

Being right. Resisting or ignoring any communication or feedback that suggest you are in the wrong or could change. You can always respectfully challenge something after you have really listened.

Advising. Looking for solutions and suggestions before you have listened and understood what is being communicated.

Derailing. Changing the subject as soon as you hear something that threatens you or makes you feel uncomfortable.

Placating. Agreeing or apologising too quickly without listening to what the other person really thinks and feels. You will have time to respond appropriately when you have listened.

Daydreaming. Getting caught up in memories or fantasies while the other person is talking. This can happen for any number of reasons from being tired or bored to escaping from what is being talked about.

If you identify your blocks you will be able to listen in a more active way to what is being communicated. That gives you the opportunity to respond in a more considered and appropriate way and to challenge where that is necessary. People talk endlessly with their partners but many do not listen effectively or actually communicate. Make sure you try not to be one of them.



The Passive Person

 

 

 

 

When it comes to behaviour styles most of us are on a spectrum. Sometimes we act passively, sometimes assertively, and though I hate to admit it, sometimes unwittingly, passive-aggressively.

 

 

That's ok unless we have become stuck in being passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive. In this post I'm looking at the passive person. Sometimes you might choose this behaviour, if the situation, or whatever you are dealing with isn't that important to you.  The crucial element here is that you are making a conscious choice. Unfortunately many people who are predominantly passive are not making a conscious choice.

 

 

Just like co-dependent people (in the previous post), many passive people learnt at an early age that in order to stay out of trouble or be loved and valued, they had to just keep their heads down and their mouths shut. They were not taught how to communicate effectively in relationships.

 

 

Passive behaviour means you have a pattern where you avoid expressing your feelings/opinions, standing up for your rights and identifying and meeting your needs. Like passive-aggressive behaviour it usually stems from low self-esteem. At some level (possibly out of their conscious awareness), the passive person is communicating to themselves and others: "I'm not worth taking care of". As a result they rarely respond directly to anger-inducing or hurtful situations.

 

 

Passive people will often:

 

 

• Not asset themselves.

 

 

• Allow others to infringe on their rights or manipulate them (consciously or unconsciously).

 

 

• Not express their feelings, needs or opinions.

 

 

• Tend to speak apologetically.

 

 

• Feel resentful because their needs are not being met.

 

 

• Feel confused or indecisive because they are ignoring their own feelings.

 

 

• Find it difficult to move forward because real issues are not addressed.

 

People who are mainly passive can be intimidated by manipulative anger and feel guilty when faced with manipulative hurt. This may help them avoid confrontation but it creates a lot of unhappiness.

They even make excuses when someone is treating them badly. Rather than place the blame on the manipulator, they often blame themselves, thinking; "It must be me. Something about me caused this to happen".

 

Because passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive behaviour patterns all have their roots in low self-esteem they are often unconsciously drawn to each other. The aggressive and passive-aggressive personality types will unconsciously seek out a passive partner like a magnet. It is actually true that we put a lot of energy into teaching people how to treat us!

 

Passive people often don't get their needs/desires met and have low self-esteem which is compounded by making unhealthy choices. They feel hurt because they are taken advantage of as a result of not communicating their needs. They usually avoid saying "no" when it is appropriate because they want to be nice, thinking the alternative to being nice is being selfish. Aggressive people love being with passive people because they are allowed to do their own thing, in their own time and in their own way, even if it involves manipulation and abuse.

 

The irony in all of this is that people usually don't trust someone who is always nice. It is just not real and others know that.

 

 

If you are mostly passive, think about why this is so? Where do you think it started? Go as far back as you can remember:

 

 

• Were you afraid of hurting someone else's feelings by being honest and open?

 

 

• Were you afraid of making someone angry?

 

 

• Were you afraid you would be abandoned or rejected?

 

 

It is now time to realise that you have a right to be heard and a right to be an important part of every relationship you have and a right to be respected. See the post on assertiveness and remember that most stress is caused by avoiding problems and people rather than dealing with them in an appropriate way.