Communicate. Talking always helps

 

Talking things through (healthy communication) is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Honest communication is to a relationship what oxygen is to a person, it can't live and thrive without it.

In my work I often hear people say there never seems to be the right time or place to have an important conversation. I view this as resistance, usually rooted in fear of the consequences.
What are those fears based on? What are the consequences of not talking about what is important to you and the relationship?

We lead busy lives but there can be an appropriate time and place to talk. You just need to create it. All it takes is a little planning and co-ordination.

What I am also used to as a therapist is the "door knob disclosure". This is usually an embarrassing, painful or uncomfortable revelation coming just as a counselling session is ending. In therapy there are many reasons for this which we shouldn't ignore. But it can and probably does happen in your  relationships too. Sometimes you or your partner will reveal something or imply something important at a time when you know (either consciously or unconsciously) that it can't be explored further.

It needs to be explored further! One of you has communicated something significant that merits time and attention if your relationship is to remain healthy. Always acknowledge what you have heard and at the first opportunity arrange a space where it can be discussed.

The other way in which this kind of disclosure is employed is as manipulation (again either consciously or unconsciously). Whether or not it is intentional, it is disrespectful because it limits your ability to respond, or it could be aimed at eliciting a particular response you might not otherwise offer. It can leave you feeling trapped. Again, acknowledge it and make a plan to follow it up at the next appropriate opportunity. Make sure that you don't just react or allow yourself to "pretend"it never happened. This will keep the relationship dysfunctional.

When you have a conversation you need to be able to listen and respond effectively and communicate in an open, honest way. We all like to think we are good listeners but in fact most of us have listening blocks which you might not even know about. Here are some of the most common. Identify which are yours and do your best to eliminate them.

Listening blocks


Mind reading. Assuming you know what the other person thinks and feels without asking them.

Rehearsing. Planning in your head what you will say next while not giving your fullest attention to what is being said now.

Filtering. Listening only to the things that are important to you and not hearing what is important to the other person. This could be listening with a focus on what will support the points you are trying to make.

Judging. Evaluating the other person and what they say rather than trying to see it from their perspective.

Sparring. Invalidating the other person by arguing rather than attempting to hear and understand.

Being right. Resisting or ignoring any communication or feedback that suggest you are in the wrong or could change. You can always respectfully challenge something after you have really listened.

Advising. Looking for solutions and suggestions before you have listened and understood what is being communicated.

Derailing. Changing the subject as soon as you hear something that threatens you or makes you feel uncomfortable.

Placating. Agreeing or apologising too quickly without listening to what the other person really thinks and feels. You will have time to respond appropriately when you have listened.

Daydreaming. Getting caught up in memories or fantasies while the other person is talking. This can happen for any number of reasons from being tired or bored to escaping from what is being talked about.

If you identify your blocks you will be able to listen in a more active way to what is being communicated. That gives you the opportunity to respond in a more considered and appropriate way and to challenge where that is necessary. People talk endlessly with their partners but many do not listen effectively or actually communicate. Make sure you try not to be one of them.