Moving On (after the relationship ends)

 

 

Even though you decided this relationship wasn't fulfilling and you who had the courage to do something about it, there will be pain and loss.

 

You can expect to go through a grieving process similar to a bereavement. It is best to give it time and let the process of healing and recovery take its course.

 

You may be in shock and denial at first. It is hard to believe it is really over and you still hold out some hope of a reconciliation. You are also likely to feel hurt and guilty. You might mull over how you could have handled the relationship differently. You may find yourself acting as though it hasn't finished.

 

You'll likely go through an angry and bargaining stage too. Maybe if you gave it another go things might work out. It feels like it was all your fault; your expectations were too high, you were too needy, not considerate enough, too insecure, too independent. These are normal feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. Maybe take note of them and talk them through with someone or keep a journal.

 

Mild depression and loneliness are also common reactions to any break-up. They come up as it hits you how much you have lost. But it is normal to grieve, even if you know this particular relationship wasn't right for you. You invested a lot in it and now you have to let go of the expectations you had of yourself, your ex partner and perhaps other people's expectations, like family and friends. You can lessen the impact by spending time with friends and doing things you enjoy.

 

You might feel like you have failed and have made a huge mistake. Of course you haven't failed and you are human so you're entitled to make mistakes. Tell yourself that it is ok to make mistakes and learn from them. You will be better prepared next time. You will know what you want and what you can compromise on.

 

Often when we suffer a loss we tend to idealise the person who is gone - same with relationships. Try to remember what was both good and bad about it. It might be tempting to see the other person as some sort of ideal while you were the one who fell short of whatever it was that would keep you together. The truth is you both have strengths and weaknesses.

 

While you are going through this difficult process make sure you surround yourself with supportive people who care about you. Try to accept that these intense feelings will lesson over time and while you have made the right decision for you, venturing out into the unknown, unfamiliar again is also quite frightening. Be kind to yourself. It is normal to feel this way just at the moment.

 

Time Apart

 

Even if the relationship ended on relatively friendly terms ( and you want to remain friends) it is important to have time apart to allow emotions to subside. How long that might be is up to you but it is probably a good idea to leave it until you can talk or meet without any ulterior motive on your part.

The grieving process leaves the best of us feeling vulnerable and you don't want to do, say or commit to something you might regret at a later stage.

 

Some people find it easier to cut off all contact, at least for a period of time. This might seem difficult, and it will be at first, but it is the quickest way to kick start your process of recovery.

 

Try to avoid checking up on your ex partner through mutual friends or social media. It could be tempting to know what they are up to and it might make you feel better temporarily (because it reduces anxiety). However, in the longer term it will only cause you more hurt and delay your healing process.

 

Big Decisions

 

While you are going through the grieving process it is best not to make any major decisions. Give yourself time to go through it. In my work, I know somebody is coming out of the process when they can talk about what was good and not good about the person or the relationship and what they might take forward into the rest of their lives. They will have begun to reconnect with people and interests that may have been neglected. They know there is a future and it can be bright.

 

Remember, at least once you have shown that you are capable of giving and receiving love and being in a relationship. Just because this one fizzled out or you got to know yourself better and it wasn't what you wanted or needed does not mean that there isn't one that is right for you.

 

This might sound obvious! Don't get into another relationship until you've gotten over this one. People often do as a way of avoiding the pain. You won't be able to put yourself fully into it and you might get involved with someone you wouldn't normally, only to regret it later. Take time to reflect and know what you want, otherwise you could find yourself choosing (unconsciously) a person similar to your ex  who will unwittingly help you to repeat old, unhealthy patterns.

 

Reflect

 

When it feels right, reflect on the relationship. Despite how it may seem at the moment it can be an opportunity to grow and become stronger.

 

Think about your relationship patterns.

 

• Was this just one of those things or have you found yourself in relationships that didn't (or perhaps never could) work before?

 

•  Do you tend to choose the wrong person for you over and over? What could this tell you about yourself?

 

• How do you deal with conflict and insecurity? How do you deal with feeling vulnerable?

 

• Are you able and willing to assert your needs in relationships?

 

• Do you accept others as they are?

 

• Do you accept yourself as you are?

 

• Can you meet your own expectations or do you often find yourself meeting somebody else's?

 

You may have many other questions that are unique to who you are and what your situation or relationship was like.

 

Following on from this, what do you want from any future relationship? Thinking carefully about this one, and what was missing for you will be helpful. You can have what you want (within reason) but you must firstly, know what that is, and secondly be prepared to communicate it.

 

What will you do differently next time?

 

It can't be said often enough that if you are going through all of this,  give yourself a break. Reach out and ask for support and try to get out and have as much fun as possible while at the same time not avoiding or denying the reality of the situation.