Co-dependency

The co-dependent is the person who wakes up next to their partner and says, "Good morning. How am I feeling?"

Co-dependency is a learned psychological condition that prevents a person from having a mutually satisfying relationship. It was originally identified in family members of people with a drug or alcohol addiction but it is now believed to be much more prevalent in the general population.

It has its roots in childhood. People brought up in dysfunctional families are more likely to have co-dependent characteristics. If you were raised in a family where a parent or sibling was ill, depressed, an addict, or in some other way was the focus of the family's energy, you could have developed co-dependent tendencies.

A dysfunctional family is one where people ignore and deny pain, anger, fear or shame. The family doesn't acknowledge problems. They deny them rather than face them. Members of the family learn to ignore difficult emotions. All attention is directed towards the person who is seen to be in need, the problem.

The co-dependent person will put the needs of the other person ahead of their own. Gradually, they lose contact with their own needs, desires and sense of self. The only way they can now get a sense of self-esteem is by caring for others in an unhealthy and disproportionate fashion. They need to take care regardless of how the other person feels about it. Without consciously realising it, a co-dependent partner will manipulate you into a position where you cannot do without them. Through no fault of their own they don't acknowledge that invisible boundary where they end and you begin.

The seeds of co-dependency are usually not sown explicitly. It could be as subtle as just knowing not to ask for your needs to be met, keeping them to yourself, because there is someone in the family with a greater need. It can become "normal" and people like this can often feel selfish and guilty if they have the urge to look after themselves (if it has the slightest impact on those around them). None of this is talked about openly.

Co-dependents take on the role of the martyr. They consistently put the needs of their partner (and likely many others) before their own because they can't bear the thought of not being needed. In a healthy relationship people are together because they choose to be whereas the co-dependent person needs the relationship more than their sense of self and usually with little regard to what the other person needs.

I once worked with a parent whose son had an addiction problem. It fairly quickly became apparent that this person was on the upper end of the scale when it came to co-dependency. The extreme need to control and fix people veered into areas of their life well beyond the family unit.

We explored its roots in this person's family of origin and in relation to the son (in his late twenties), a little progress was made. This parent had previously allowed him to use drugs in the family home, made excuses to managers when he couldn't get to work, drove miles to pick him up from parties when he was too high to get home. She tried to police him, keep him in the house, hide any drugs she found and allowed herself to be abused and manipulated in every way possible over and over again.

After several months some changes were made and the son was enabled to face up to the consequences of his addictive behaviour; unfortunately the only way in which someone with an addiction can be helped.

But the progress was short lived. The parent resumed the old behaviour and terminated the therapy, likely (though I don't know) blaming me as the therapist because after all she would have adopted a "victim" stance. I believe that this person was simply unable to let go. While of course she wanted her son to be well at a conscious level, at an unconscious level she couldn't bear the thought that she wouldn't be needed if her adult child recovered and went out into the world. Her role and means of self-esteem would disappear.

A person with co-dependency issues will manipulate (unconsciously) others into a situation where they can't do without them. |

Signs of Co-dependency:

• Must always be in control.

• Find needy people to take care of.

• Have overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

• Wonder why people don't do more for them.

• Feel victimised by the perceived "selfishness" of others.

• Feel empty/bored if there's no problem/crisis to deal with.

• Are afraid of making mistakes.

• Feel angry/rejected when their help is not needed/wanted.

Like any condition, co-dependency is on a spectrum. The good news is that people on the upper end can and do recover. Some do it through counselling, others attend Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA) or a combination of the two.

I can recommend an excellent book. Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is a classic on this subject.