When it comes to behaviour styles most of us are on a spectrum. Sometimes we act passively, sometimes assertively, and though I hate to admit it, sometimes unwittingly, passive-aggressively.
That's ok unless we have become stuck in being passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive. In this post I'm looking at the passive person. Sometimes you might choose this behaviour, if the situation, or whatever you are dealing with isn't that important to you. The crucial element here is that you are making a conscious choice. Unfortunately many people who are predominantly passive are not making a conscious choice.
Just like co-dependent people (in the previous post), many passive people learnt at an early age that in order to stay out of trouble or be loved and valued, they had to just keep their heads down and their mouths shut. They were not taught how to communicate effectively in relationships.
Passive behaviour means you have a pattern where you avoid expressing your feelings/opinions, standing up for your rights and identifying and meeting your needs. Like passive-aggressive behaviour it usually stems from low self-esteem. At some level (possibly out of their conscious awareness), the passive person is communicating to themselves and others: "I'm not worth taking care of". As a result they rarely respond directly to anger-inducing or hurtful situations.
Passive people will often:
- Not asset themselves.
- Allow others to infringe on their rights or manipulate them (consciously or unconsciously).
- Not express their feelings, needs or opinions.
- Tend to speak apologetically.
- Feel resentful because their needs are not being met.
- Feel confused or indecisive because they are ignoring their own feelings.
- Find it difficult to move forward because real issues are not addressed.
People who are mainly passive can be intimidated by manipulative anger and feel guilty when faced with manipulative hurt. This may help them avoid confrontation but it creates a lot of unhappiness.
They even make excuses when someone is treating them badly. Rather than place the blame on the manipulator, they often blame themselves, thinking; "It must be me. Something about me caused this to happen".
Because passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive behaviour patterns all have their roots in low self-esteem they are often unconsciously drawn to each other. The aggressive and passive-aggressive personality types will unconsciously seek out a passive partner like a magnet. It is actually true that we put a lot of energy into teaching people how to treat us!
Passive people often don't get their needs/desires met and have low self-esteem which is compounded by making unhealthy choices. They feel hurt because they are taken advantage of as a result of not communicating their needs. They usually avoid saying "no" when it is appropriate because they want to be nice, thinking the alternative to being nice is being selfish. Aggressive people love being with passive people because they are allowed to do their own thing, in their own time and in their own way, even if it involves manipulation and abuse.
The irony in all of this is that people usually don't trust someone who is always nice. It is just not real and others know that.
If you are mostly passive, think about why this is so? Where do you think it started? Go as far back as you can remember:
- Were you afraid of hurting someone else's feelings by being honest and open?
- Were you afraid of making someone angry?
- Were you afraid you would be abandoned or rejected?
It is now time to realise that you have a right to be heard and a right to be an important part of every relationship you have and a right to be respected. See the post on assertiveness and remember that most stress is caused by avoiding problems and people rather than dealing with them in an appropriate way.
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