Moving On (after the relationship ends)

 

 

Even though you decided this relationship wasn't fulfilling and you who had the courage to do something about it, there will be pain and loss.

 

You can expect to go through a grieving process similar to a bereavement. It is best to give it time and let the process of healing and recovery take its course.

 

You may be in shock and denial at first. It is hard to believe it is really over and you still hold out some hope of a reconciliation. You are also likely to feel hurt and guilty. You might mull over how you could have handled the relationship differently. You may find yourself acting as though it hasn't finished.

 

You'll likely go through an angry and bargaining stage too. Maybe if you gave it another go things might work out. It feels like it was all your fault; your expectations were too high, you were too needy, not considerate enough, too insecure, too independent. These are normal feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. Maybe take note of them and talk them through with someone or keep a journal.

 

Mild depression and loneliness are also common reactions to any break-up. They come up as it hits you how much you have lost. But it is normal to grieve, even if you know this particular relationship wasn't right for you. You invested a lot in it and now you have to let go of the expectations you had of yourself, your ex partner and perhaps other people's expectations, like family and friends. You can lessen the impact by spending time with friends and doing things you enjoy.

 

You might feel like you have failed and have made a huge mistake. Of course you haven't failed and you are human so you're entitled to make mistakes. Tell yourself that it is ok to make mistakes and learn from them. You will be better prepared next time. You will know what you want and what you can compromise on.

 

Often when we suffer a loss we tend to idealise the person who is gone - same with relationships. Try to remember what was both good and bad about it. It might be tempting to see the other person as some sort of ideal while you were the one who fell short of whatever it was that would keep you together. The truth is you both have strengths and weaknesses.

 

While you are going through this difficult process make sure you surround yourself with supportive people who care about you. Try to accept that these intense feelings will lesson over time and while you have made the right decision for you, venturing out into the unknown, unfamiliar again is also quite frightening. Be kind to yourself. It is normal to feel this way just at the moment.

 

Time Apart

 

Even if the relationship ended on relatively friendly terms ( and you want to remain friends) it is important to have time apart to allow emotions to subside. How long that might be is up to you but it is probably a good idea to leave it until you can talk or meet without any ulterior motive on your part.

The grieving process leaves the best of us feeling vulnerable and you don't want to do, say or commit to something you might regret at a later stage.

 

Some people find it easier to cut off all contact, at least for a period of time. This might seem difficult, and it will be at first, but it is the quickest way to kick start your process of recovery.

 

Try to avoid checking up on your ex partner through mutual friends or social media. It could be tempting to know what they are up to and it might make you feel better temporarily (because it reduces anxiety). However, in the longer term it will only cause you more hurt and delay your healing process.

 

Big Decisions

 

While you are going through the grieving process it is best not to make any major decisions. Give yourself time to go through it. In my work, I know somebody is coming out of the process when they can talk about what was good and not good about the person or the relationship and what they might take forward into the rest of their lives. They will have begun to reconnect with people and interests that may have been neglected. They know there is a future and it can be bright.

 

Remember, at least once you have shown that you are capable of giving and receiving love and being in a relationship. Just because this one fizzled out or you got to know yourself better and it wasn't what you wanted or needed does not mean that there isn't one that is right for you.

 

This might sound obvious! Don't get into another relationship until you've gotten over this one. People often do as a way of avoiding the pain. You won't be able to put yourself fully into it and you might get involved with someone you wouldn't normally, only to regret it later. Take time to reflect and know what you want, otherwise you could find yourself choosing (unconsciously) a person similar to your ex  who will unwittingly help you to repeat old, unhealthy patterns.

 

Reflect

 

When it feels right, reflect on the relationship. Despite how it may seem at the moment it can be an opportunity to grow and become stronger.

 

Think about your relationship patterns.

 

• Was this just one of those things or have you found yourself in relationships that didn't (or perhaps never could) work before?

 

•  Do you tend to choose the wrong person for you over and over? What could this tell you about yourself?

 

• How do you deal with conflict and insecurity? How do you deal with feeling vulnerable?

 

• Are you able and willing to assert your needs in relationships?

 

• Do you accept others as they are?

 

• Do you accept yourself as you are?

 

• Can you meet your own expectations or do you often find yourself meeting somebody else's?

 

You may have many other questions that are unique to who you are and what your situation or relationship was like.

 

Following on from this, what do you want from any future relationship? Thinking carefully about this one, and what was missing for you will be helpful. You can have what you want (within reason) but you must firstly, know what that is, and secondly be prepared to communicate it.

 

What will you do differently next time?

 

It can't be said often enough that if you are going through all of this,  give yourself a break. Reach out and ask for support and try to get out and have as much fun as possible while at the same time not avoiding or denying the reality of the situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 





How to End a Relationship

After much consideration and consultation you have decided to end the relationship. But how do you go about it? How do you tell your partner? Where will you tell them?

Unfortunately this is probably the most difficult step in the process but there is no way around it. It is a conversation you have to have and it won't be easy.

If you are in a physically abusive relationship or you fear for your safety always seek professional support. But here, I am looking a situation where this is unlikely to be an issue.

Firstly, you have made your decision and you must stick to it. Resolve not to be swayed if you know/think your partner won't want to end.

In the current era of information technology most of us communicate via some social media platform. Don't use any of these methods to end a significant relationship. It is plain cruel. It also means you avoid working through the ending and fully facing up to it. This is not healthy for your own growth and development as a person.

Think about where to have this conversation. It might be best to think about neutral territory if that is possible. Choose somewhere private and quiet. It might sound obvious but don't pick somewhere you both have an emotional attachment to!

Plan ahead. You have made your decision, now decide what you will say. Be honest and clear about what you feel and have decided to do. Use "I" statements.
"I feel........"
"I want......."
"I have decided....."

Avoid blaming, criticising or making accusations. You are finishing this relationship because it is no longer right for you.

Let go of any notion that you can rescue, or take away the other person's pain or difficult feelings. This is easier said than done but it is much better to listen with empathy and understanding. Help them to feel heard by paraphrasing what they say and picking up on their feelings. Acknowledge what is happening for them.

Avoid getting into an argument. Whatever response you get, simply reiterate the decision you have come to as calmly as possible. If your partner is sad, tearful and/or angry that's ok. It is normal. Just let them be with it. Don't try to take it away. Help them share it for a while.

If he/she loses control of their anger and starts shouting it is important not to buy into that because it will escalate. Let them know it is not doing either of you any good to continue the conversation and suggest some cooling off time. No harm to let them know you understand their anger but leave it at that. If you have to walk away, do it.

Don't drag up the past or allow yourself to be manipulated into it. Say something like, "I know this is hard...but...", and go back to your "I" statements, clarifying how you feel, what you want and what you have decided. This will be difficult so rehearse beforehand with a friend you can trust or a counsellor if you are seeing one. You already know your partner and will have a fair idea of what to expect. I know this sounds quite clinical but that is not what I intend. It is just better to have prepared a clear strategy for difficult conversations. In the long run it benefits both parties.

Do put a plan in place for the practical aspects of the process. Where will you go and what will you do when you have had the conversation? If you live together do you need to consider where you will stay? What about sleeping arrangements? These things can easily be overlooked but have the potential to leave you stuck in a very uncomfortable and emotionally charged situation. You might also think about your belongings in any shared living arrangement.

Make sure you have a support system in place. Let a friend know what is happening and have a plan to spend time with them. This can be a very difficult time and you will almost certainly need a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen and be there.

When you have cried and talked try some laughter too - it will help release tension. You may not share my sense of humour but I almost guarantee you will split your sides if you YouTube two sketches from Victoria Wood (As seen on TV); "Two Soups" and "Is it on the Trolley". That's not intended to be flippant, laughter helps with emotional release.

Lastly, no matter how appropriate it is to leave a relationship, the loss can feel like a death and in a way it is. You will need to allow yourself to feel the sadness and grieve fully. If you don't' it won't be possible to grow and move on to the next stage of your life. You will also be in danger of repeating the same patterns that have not served you well over and over again.

I will look at the moving on stage in the next post.

Ending a Relationship - the Consideration stage

You've given it your all and tried everything but it is still not right. You're considering finishing the relationship but you are still uncertain.

If you're not getting what you want or need from a relationship it is probably time to part ways. That might sound selfish but if you are not getting what you need, neither is your partner (whether or not he/she says that, or is even aware of it). Healthy relationships require honesty to thrive and grow and if you can't communicate honestly there is a problem.

If you are considering bringing it to an end and can't yet talk to your partner, think about exploring things with a counsellor and/or a good friend. The advantage of counselling is that the counsellor will have no investment in the relationship and should only support you in doing what is right for you. His only agenda should be your wellbeing. What you say will be in confidence and you won't be judged.

If you choose to talk to a friend, pick the best listener and one who can be as impartial as is possible for a friend to be. Remember, our friends have an emotional investment in our lives and that's a good thing. It's best not to be overly swayed by someone who either really likes or dislikes your partner. However if it is the latter explore what they don't like about what the relationship is doing to you.

It's difficult to end

Many people in long-term relationships have made compromises to fit into another person's life. The difficulty in breaking up is often to do with people forgetting how to be self-sufficient. This brings up a fear of loss and insecurity, which fuels the desire to hold onto unhealthy relationships. These are valid feelings and will require exploration later.

Everyone has ups and downs in their relationships. That's normal and most work through them with open dialogue. Relationship experts say there is no formula for deciding when to call it a day, but there are some signals to watch out for. If you experience more than a few of these consistently over a long period, it's likely time to move on:

You're not getting what you want or need. If you're not happy it is very unlikely that your partner is either.

You can't communicate. You just trundle along but you never really communicate how you feel about the relationship, where it is going, your common plans and goals for the future.

You no longer look forward to spending time alone with your partner. You find that you prefer to spend time with other people to avoid being alone together.

You often find reasons to criticise your partner. If you are often worried about their personality, appearance, behaviour, opinions and ideas, you could ask yourself if you are with the right person for you.

You compare your partner to others. When you love someone you don't compare him/her to others. You accept them for who they are. If you find yourself doing this, you should re-evaluate your relationship.

You want to change your partner. Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships with people who don't suit us. We can't change them and shouldn't want to. If you do, it may be time to face up to reality.

You don't laugh anymore. Humour is vital in all relationships. If you no longer laugh, play and have fun together, it is a sign that the relationship has lost something really important.

You do most of the giving (or most of the receiving). Relationships are about mutual benefit. If one partner is benefiting over the other, the relationship is unhealthy. And of course this is about proportion overall. There will be times when one person needs more support than the other; the proverbial "swings and roundabouts". However, this needs to be a two way street.

You don't feel respected. If your boundaries are treated as though they are less important than your partner's or if you are expected to behave/feel in a particular way to maintain the status quo, you might need to think this through. Do you often find yourself walking on eggshells,  supressing your feelings or the need to express yourself because you want to avoid conflict/anxiety/tension?

Your friends don't like being around you when you're with your partner. Your friends may like your partner but what they don't like is the affect the relationship has on you. What do they tell you? Do they say you don't seem comfortable? You have changed? you have lost your sense of humour?

You don't feel good about yourself anymore. Think about how you felt at the start. If this feeling is lacking you may want to have a good look at your relationship.

These are just some ideas to help you try to make an honest evaluation of your relationship and whether or not it is the right relationship for you.