Communicate. Talking always helps

 

Talking things through (healthy communication) is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Honest communication is to a relationship what oxygen is to a person, it can't live and thrive without it.

In my work I often hear people say there never seems to be the right time or place to have an important conversation. I view this as resistance, usually rooted in fear of the consequences.
What are those fears based on? What are the consequences of not talking about what is important to you and the relationship?

We lead busy lives but there can be an appropriate time and place to talk. You just need to create it. All it takes is a little planning and co-ordination.

What I am also used to as a therapist is the "door knob disclosure". This is usually an embarrassing, painful or uncomfortable revelation coming just as a counselling session is ending. In therapy there are many reasons for this which we shouldn't ignore. But it can and probably does happen in your  relationships too. Sometimes you or your partner will reveal something or imply something important at a time when you know (either consciously or unconsciously) that it can't be explored further.

It needs to be explored further! One of you has communicated something significant that merits time and attention if your relationship is to remain healthy. Always acknowledge what you have heard and at the first opportunity arrange a space where it can be discussed.

The other way in which this kind of disclosure is employed is as manipulation (again either consciously or unconsciously). Whether or not it is intentional, it is disrespectful because it limits your ability to respond, or it could be aimed at eliciting a particular response you might not otherwise offer. It can leave you feeling trapped. Again, acknowledge it and make a plan to follow it up at the next appropriate opportunity. Make sure that you don't just react or allow yourself to "pretend"it never happened. This will keep the relationship dysfunctional.

When you have a conversation you need to be able to listen and respond effectively and communicate in an open, honest way. We all like to think we are good listeners but in fact most of us have listening blocks which you might not even know about. Here are some of the most common. Identify which are yours and do your best to eliminate them.

Listening blocks


Mind reading. Assuming you know what the other person thinks and feels without asking them.

Rehearsing. Planning in your head what you will say next while not giving your fullest attention to what is being said now.

Filtering. Listening only to the things that are important to you and not hearing what is important to the other person. This could be listening with a focus on what will support the points you are trying to make.

Judging. Evaluating the other person and what they say rather than trying to see it from their perspective.

Sparring. Invalidating the other person by arguing rather than attempting to hear and understand.

Being right. Resisting or ignoring any communication or feedback that suggest you are in the wrong or could change. You can always respectfully challenge something after you have really listened.

Advising. Looking for solutions and suggestions before you have listened and understood what is being communicated.

Derailing. Changing the subject as soon as you hear something that threatens you or makes you feel uncomfortable.

Placating. Agreeing or apologising too quickly without listening to what the other person really thinks and feels. You will have time to respond appropriately when you have listened.

Daydreaming. Getting caught up in memories or fantasies while the other person is talking. This can happen for any number of reasons from being tired or bored to escaping from what is being talked about.

If you identify your blocks you will be able to listen in a more active way to what is being communicated. That gives you the opportunity to respond in a more considered and appropriate way and to challenge where that is necessary. People talk endlessly with their partners but many do not listen effectively or actually communicate. Make sure you try not to be one of them.



Assertiveness & Relationships

 

 

One of the most important interpersonal skills to ensure a happy, healthy relationship is assertiveness.
In fact, if you are passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive (manipulative) you are almost certain to run into problems. If any of these three is your main behaviour style the relationship will be dysfunctional.

I've come across many people who believe assertiveness is simply the ability to say "no" or "to stand up for your rights". That's only part of it because you can do both in an aggressive manner.

Being assertive means you can confidently and directly express how you feel, what you want or need, your opinion and beliefs without needing to justify them while also respecting the other person's right to express themselves. Sure it is about saying "no" when that's appropriate, standing up for yourself  and protecting your boundaries, but in a way that respects others.

Honesty, mutual respect and open communication are key to any healthy relationship. If you are assertive you demonstrate respect for yourself and your partner. A lack of assertiveness is likely to lead to negative outcomes like emotional withdrawal, resentment and a lack of respect. I sometimes hate it when someone tells me about an old saying, but often they are true. And the one about "if you don't respect yourself, no-one else will" is one of them.

People who are assertive will say things like "I feel..." rather than "You make me feel...." It is better to talk about how you feel rather than what your partner is doing. "I'm afraid I find that difficult to believe" is far preferable to "You're just lying.." "You..." has a tendency to be accusing and the more you use it the more defensive your partner is likely to become.


Take responsibility for yourself rather than for others and don't expect them to fix you.. Know your boundaries and sensitively but firmly point it out when someone has transgressed them. If you are assertive you will communicate openly and directly with your partner rather than expecting them to second guess what is going on. You will let them know when you are happy, hurt, irritated or angry without fearing confrontation because if there is a problem you will want to find a win-win solution.

Deal with issues or problems as they arise rather than allowing frustration to build up. If you wait too long you will probably become more resentful and the situation will be more heated. Or, you might let it completely subside and then blame them for not knowing what you felt.

When you are getting used to being assertive:

• Take a deep breath and speak as calmly as you can.

• Try to see the discussion or conversation as negotiation rather than an argument.

• Make eye contact with your partner.

• Avoid apologising. This makes it look as if you believe you are in the wrong, or at the very least, you are unsure of yourself. But do apologise when you are!

• Choose the right moment to talk things through, but as soon as possible and certainly not in front of other people.

• If you don't get the response you hoped for, don't worry. You can't control or take responsibility for how they respond. If you have been kind, reasonable and clear and if what you say is in the spirit of honesty and respect, you have done your job.

• Do remember that if you are not being honest and direct, you are disrespecting the other person. Either you are denying their ability to deal with reality or you are attempting to manipulate them.

• If you have to deal with a big issue in the relationship, think it through carefully beforehand or talk it through with someone you can trust. Decide what you want and how you will communicate it. Think about whether or not there is room for negotiation and compromise, then come up with your bottom line and stick to it.

I believe the hardest thing in all of this is fear of upsetting the status quo by engaging in a new, albeit more healthy, behaviour. And, believe me, you will meet with resistance from others at least until they get used to it. If they have stayed long enough with your current non-assertive behaviour style, there has been a payoff for them, whether or not they are aware of this or care to admit it.

Some people are afraid of change and growth for fear of rejection or abandonment. What if your partner walked away from the relationship? That uncertainty is certainly difficult to confront. We all fear change to one degree or another. However, if you are changing, becoming more healthy and your partner isn't or can't cope, does this particular relationship work for you anymore? It is not my job to suggest an answer, only you can do that but it is worth exploration

Benefits

There are many benefits to be had from behaving assertively. Here are just a few;

It improves confidence and self-esteem.

You earn respect from others.

You can't be accused of fudging or being unclear.

You create a win-win situation.

You have more honest and real relationships.


Alternatives

The usual alternatives to assertive behaviour are aggressive and passive-aggressive. If your behaviour is directly aggressive and consistent, for eg; shouting, throwing things, hitting someone or destroying their possessions you should seek professional help. This will cause your relationships to fail time and again and without some form of psychological treatment will cause you stress and quite possibly physical health problems.

The more common alternative to assertiveness in a relationship is passive-aggressive behaviour. Passive -aggressive  people don't express anger in a healthy fashion. They bottle it up and find subtle ways of punishing their partner. They may even appear friendly and well meaning but under the surface there will be manipulation going on.

Passive aggression is a destructive behaviour pattern and is a recognised form of emotional abuse.

Examples are;

Sulking. Being silent, sullen and resentful in order to get attention.

Giving the silent treatment or blanking the other person out.

Finding reasons to be obstructive.

Being late for something important. This a way of controlling others and their experience.

Being ambiguous. Being cryptic and unclear, not fully engaging.

Conveniently forgetting something important. This shows a lack of respect and is a way of punishing the other person.

Withholding behaviour. This can be anything from sex to engaging fully, not clearing up. It is not doing something a person is explicitly responsible for doing - as a means of punishment.

Criticising and blaming. Passive -aggressives often don't take responsibility for their own actions and decisions preferring to blame other people for their actions, decisions and poor choices.

The list could go on and on. You will have come across your own examples. The best way to deal with passive-aggressive behaviour is to name it and confront it. Do not buy into the manipulation.

Passive-aggressive behaviour (if it is the predominant style of one person in a relationship) has been linked with a fear of intimacy. There can be issues of trust, likely stemming from early childhood, and they guard against becoming intimately involved or attached. Alongside this they will want a relationship so rather than be vulnerable and honest, the might seek to control it rather than risk full participation.



Moving On (after the relationship ends)

 

 

Even though you decided this relationship wasn't fulfilling and you who had the courage to do something about it, there will be pain and loss.

 

You can expect to go through a grieving process similar to a bereavement. It is best to give it time and let the process of healing and recovery take its course.

 

You may be in shock and denial at first. It is hard to believe it is really over and you still hold out some hope of a reconciliation. You are also likely to feel hurt and guilty. You might mull over how you could have handled the relationship differently. You may find yourself acting as though it hasn't finished.

 

You'll likely go through an angry and bargaining stage too. Maybe if you gave it another go things might work out. It feels like it was all your fault; your expectations were too high, you were too needy, not considerate enough, too insecure, too independent. These are normal feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. Maybe take note of them and talk them through with someone or keep a journal.

 

Mild depression and loneliness are also common reactions to any break-up. They come up as it hits you how much you have lost. But it is normal to grieve, even if you know this particular relationship wasn't right for you. You invested a lot in it and now you have to let go of the expectations you had of yourself, your ex partner and perhaps other people's expectations, like family and friends. You can lessen the impact by spending time with friends and doing things you enjoy.

 

You might feel like you have failed and have made a huge mistake. Of course you haven't failed and you are human so you're entitled to make mistakes. Tell yourself that it is ok to make mistakes and learn from them. You will be better prepared next time. You will know what you want and what you can compromise on.

 

Often when we suffer a loss we tend to idealise the person who is gone - same with relationships. Try to remember what was both good and bad about it. It might be tempting to see the other person as some sort of ideal while you were the one who fell short of whatever it was that would keep you together. The truth is you both have strengths and weaknesses.

 

While you are going through this difficult process make sure you surround yourself with supportive people who care about you. Try to accept that these intense feelings will lesson over time and while you have made the right decision for you, venturing out into the unknown, unfamiliar again is also quite frightening. Be kind to yourself. It is normal to feel this way just at the moment.

 

Time Apart

 

Even if the relationship ended on relatively friendly terms ( and you want to remain friends) it is important to have time apart to allow emotions to subside. How long that might be is up to you but it is probably a good idea to leave it until you can talk or meet without any ulterior motive on your part.

The grieving process leaves the best of us feeling vulnerable and you don't want to do, say or commit to something you might regret at a later stage.

 

Some people find it easier to cut off all contact, at least for a period of time. This might seem difficult, and it will be at first, but it is the quickest way to kick start your process of recovery.

 

Try to avoid checking up on your ex partner through mutual friends or social media. It could be tempting to know what they are up to and it might make you feel better temporarily (because it reduces anxiety). However, in the longer term it will only cause you more hurt and delay your healing process.

 

Big Decisions

 

While you are going through the grieving process it is best not to make any major decisions. Give yourself time to go through it. In my work, I know somebody is coming out of the process when they can talk about what was good and not good about the person or the relationship and what they might take forward into the rest of their lives. They will have begun to reconnect with people and interests that may have been neglected. They know there is a future and it can be bright.

 

Remember, at least once you have shown that you are capable of giving and receiving love and being in a relationship. Just because this one fizzled out or you got to know yourself better and it wasn't what you wanted or needed does not mean that there isn't one that is right for you.

 

This might sound obvious! Don't get into another relationship until you've gotten over this one. People often do as a way of avoiding the pain. You won't be able to put yourself fully into it and you might get involved with someone you wouldn't normally, only to regret it later. Take time to reflect and know what you want, otherwise you could find yourself choosing (unconsciously) a person similar to your ex  who will unwittingly help you to repeat old, unhealthy patterns.

 

Reflect

 

When it feels right, reflect on the relationship. Despite how it may seem at the moment it can be an opportunity to grow and become stronger.

 

Think about your relationship patterns.

 

• Was this just one of those things or have you found yourself in relationships that didn't (or perhaps never could) work before?

 

•  Do you tend to choose the wrong person for you over and over? What could this tell you about yourself?

 

• How do you deal with conflict and insecurity? How do you deal with feeling vulnerable?

 

• Are you able and willing to assert your needs in relationships?

 

• Do you accept others as they are?

 

• Do you accept yourself as you are?

 

• Can you meet your own expectations or do you often find yourself meeting somebody else's?

 

You may have many other questions that are unique to who you are and what your situation or relationship was like.

 

Following on from this, what do you want from any future relationship? Thinking carefully about this one, and what was missing for you will be helpful. You can have what you want (within reason) but you must firstly, know what that is, and secondly be prepared to communicate it.

 

What will you do differently next time?

 

It can't be said often enough that if you are going through all of this,  give yourself a break. Reach out and ask for support and try to get out and have as much fun as possible while at the same time not avoiding or denying the reality of the situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 





Ending a Relationship - the Consideration stage

You've given it your all and tried everything but it is still not right. You're considering finishing the relationship but you are still uncertain.

If you're not getting what you want or need from a relationship it is probably time to part ways. That might sound selfish but if you are not getting what you need, neither is your partner (whether or not he/she says that, or is even aware of it). Healthy relationships require honesty to thrive and grow and if you can't communicate honestly there is a problem.

If you are considering bringing it to an end and can't yet talk to your partner, think about exploring things with a counsellor and/or a good friend. The advantage of counselling is that the counsellor will have no investment in the relationship and should only support you in doing what is right for you. His only agenda should be your wellbeing. What you say will be in confidence and you won't be judged.

If you choose to talk to a friend, pick the best listener and one who can be as impartial as is possible for a friend to be. Remember, our friends have an emotional investment in our lives and that's a good thing. It's best not to be overly swayed by someone who either really likes or dislikes your partner. However if it is the latter explore what they don't like about what the relationship is doing to you.

It's difficult to end

Many people in long-term relationships have made compromises to fit into another person's life. The difficulty in breaking up is often to do with people forgetting how to be self-sufficient. This brings up a fear of loss and insecurity, which fuels the desire to hold onto unhealthy relationships. These are valid feelings and will require exploration later.

Everyone has ups and downs in their relationships. That's normal and most work through them with open dialogue. Relationship experts say there is no formula for deciding when to call it a day, but there are some signals to watch out for. If you experience more than a few of these consistently over a long period, it's likely time to move on:

You're not getting what you want or need. If you're not happy it is very unlikely that your partner is either.

You can't communicate. You just trundle along but you never really communicate how you feel about the relationship, where it is going, your common plans and goals for the future.

You no longer look forward to spending time alone with your partner. You find that you prefer to spend time with other people to avoid being alone together.

You often find reasons to criticise your partner. If you are often worried about their personality, appearance, behaviour, opinions and ideas, you could ask yourself if you are with the right person for you.

You compare your partner to others. When you love someone you don't compare him/her to others. You accept them for who they are. If you find yourself doing this, you should re-evaluate your relationship.

You want to change your partner. Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships with people who don't suit us. We can't change them and shouldn't want to. If you do, it may be time to face up to reality.

You don't laugh anymore. Humour is vital in all relationships. If you no longer laugh, play and have fun together, it is a sign that the relationship has lost something really important.

You do most of the giving (or most of the receiving). Relationships are about mutual benefit. If one partner is benefiting over the other, the relationship is unhealthy. And of course this is about proportion overall. There will be times when one person needs more support than the other; the proverbial "swings and roundabouts". However, this needs to be a two way street.

You don't feel respected. If your boundaries are treated as though they are less important than your partner's or if you are expected to behave/feel in a particular way to maintain the status quo, you might need to think this through. Do you often find yourself walking on eggshells,  supressing your feelings or the need to express yourself because you want to avoid conflict/anxiety/tension?

Your friends don't like being around you when you're with your partner. Your friends may like your partner but what they don't like is the affect the relationship has on you. What do they tell you? Do they say you don't seem comfortable? You have changed? you have lost your sense of humour?

You don't feel good about yourself anymore. Think about how you felt at the start. If this feeling is lacking you may want to have a good look at your relationship.

These are just some ideas to help you try to make an honest evaluation of your relationship and whether or not it is the right relationship for you.

Patterns of Relating



In my experience it is useful to look at patterns in your relationships and consider how they came about. You will then be in a position to determine whether or not all of these patterns are still useful today or, if you need to look at how you could begin relating to others differently. Hopefully you can gain insight into what works and what doesn't so you can grow and change.
 

It is my belief that patterns of relating are shaped at a very early age. Then they are stored away in the unconscious. However, quite often without even being aware of it, we transfer them to our subsequent relationships. Some of these patterns might still be relevant in adulthood but it is likely that many will not serve us well. (See Transference in a previous post).
 

A good starting point is to look at the patterns in your closest relationship and think about how some (or all) of these patterns are mirrored in your wider relationships; with family, friends, work colleagues etc. Then think about similar patterns in your earliest relationships, especially with your parents and if you can remember back far enough, with your Mother (or whoever took on that role) in particular. She was the first major influence on your early development.

 

 

It may be easier to do this with somebody you trust and who can be objective. A therapist is the best option because they can help you interpret and make sense of your patterns without judging you or having any agenda of their own apart from your wellbeing. If you choose a friend, do give them permission to be honest and objective rather than tell you what they believe you want to hear. Otherwise you won't have an opportunity to truly gain understanding and grow from the experience.
 

Let me give you a simple example from my work as a therapist. I will change some of the detail (to protect client confidentiality) and focus only on the relevant points. I also want to make it clear that because this example relatets to a hetrosexual couple these ideas and concepts are just as relevant to a same sex couple.
 

The man in this relationship felt quite controlled by his wife. She was a loving, caring person but always needed to make him feel happy and content. This was especially noticable at times when he needed to express anger, sadness, unhappiness, or just negotiate his way through some difficult situation.
 

Part (though only part) of the reason they sought my help was because he found it difficult to communicate to someone so caring that she was denying his needs. She found it difficult when he became moody, depressed or uncommunicative because she was so kind and loving.
 

In the work we did it emerged that rather than having a sense of responsibliity towards their relationship, this lady was taking responsibility for another person's feelings. This resulted in him trying to supress any "negative" or "upsetting" feelings. On top of this he also felt guilty that they might show because that would cause his wife anxiety. She felt anxious anyway because she knew there was something wrong. And it was something that kindness, over-caring and giving didn't seem to fix! So, she began to feel inadequate and resentful. Neither was able to be happy because neither could be authentic (real) in the relationship.


These are typical characteristics of a condition called co-dependency. I will look at that in more detail in a future post.
 

Unpicking patterns in the woman's other relationships threw up many similarities. She spent a lot of time, energy and money on a nephew who was addicted to drugs. It had become her role to save him from himself; covering up for him, paying debts and attempting to police him in the vain hope that she could stop him taking drugs and fix his life. Only he could do this but that is another topic in itself. The same patterns showed up in her relationships with friends and work colleagues. She always offered to work late to allow "someone in greater need" to leave on time. She came forward with every form of help and support without even being asked. This brought more anxiety at times when she couldn't fix (control) people's lives. She was also resentful that others didn't seem willing to put themselves out for her, though she rarely asked for support! She had never considered that if you constantly do things for other people you could be undermining their ability to look after themselves. If you are always the giver, others may come to believe they have little or nothing to offer you. It is good to give but we need a sense of balance and proportion.
 

When we looked further back in this woman's life to try and understand where these maladaptive patterns of relating were established, she remembered being a small child. Her mother was often ill, withdrawn, vulnerable. Her father was domineering and could be harsh towards his wife, causing stress.

 

As a small child, my client took responsibility for protecting her mother, doing all in her power (sometimes without realising, and denying her own needs) to make everything alright.
 

A small child will naturally do this because in the young, developing mind, its survival is threatened. So, she had to ensure that her mother was well enough to look after her. This was where she learned that she had to take responsibility and constantly make things right. It was in order that the small child could feel safe.
 

These patterns became part of her unconscious personality, and without thinking about it, they were carried into other relationships throughout her life. The problem is that the old patterns are not appropriate in the later relationships because the original threat is no longer relevant. So they become destructive. However, the wounded inner child doesn't know that.
 

The work continued with this couple and slowly the old patterns became manageable. This lady began to develop the confidence to risk constructing new and more healthy patterns of relating. Her relationship improved because she was able to let go of feeling responsible for her husband's feelings. Consequently, he was able to talk more openly with her and they started to work things through together with mutual understanding. The grew as individuals and as a couple.

What does a healthy relationship look like?



A healthy relationship is one where both people are free to be themselves. You can both grow and change. A situation is created where you can come together and be "us" without losing your own identity. And you can grow together.
 

In a fulfilling relationship each person accepts the other's difference and is willing to compromise when appropriate. That does not mean you should be willing to accommodate when it is not appropriate.
 

Good relationships are founded on mutual trust, support and honest communication. The aim is to enhance your own life, the other person's life and the relationship.

You are certainly not in a healthy relationship if you are feeling judged or walking on eggshells. When you feel controlled or feel the need to control there is something fundamentally wrong!

If you are feeling some of the following you are more likely to be in an unhealthy relationship:

1. You have a sense that you have to fit into someone else's perception of what is right/wrong/appropriate in order to be loved and valued.

2. There always seems to be something about the relationship that is not quite right or needs to be repaired.

3. Your needs are not being met.

4. You often feel "not good enough".

5. You are tense around your partner (more often than not).

6. You often feel trapped.

7. Being there is not what you really want but you are afraid to leave.

8. You spend time filling your life with other things to keep your mind off how unhappy you feel in  the relationship.

9. You can't be completely honest about how you feel or what you think.

10. You feel you don't really have a choice about whether or not to stay in the relationship.

11. You feel controlled or you feel the need to control.