Communicate. Talking always helps

 

Talking things through (healthy communication) is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Honest communication is to a relationship what oxygen is to a person, it can't live and thrive without it.

In my work I often hear people say there never seems to be the right time or place to have an important conversation. I view this as resistance, usually rooted in fear of the consequences.
What are those fears based on? What are the consequences of not talking about what is important to you and the relationship?

We lead busy lives but there can be an appropriate time and place to talk. You just need to create it. All it takes is a little planning and co-ordination.

What I am also used to as a therapist is the "door knob disclosure". This is usually an embarrassing, painful or uncomfortable revelation coming just as a counselling session is ending. In therapy there are many reasons for this which we shouldn't ignore. But it can and probably does happen in your  relationships too. Sometimes you or your partner will reveal something or imply something important at a time when you know (either consciously or unconsciously) that it can't be explored further.

It needs to be explored further! One of you has communicated something significant that merits time and attention if your relationship is to remain healthy. Always acknowledge what you have heard and at the first opportunity arrange a space where it can be discussed.

The other way in which this kind of disclosure is employed is as manipulation (again either consciously or unconsciously). Whether or not it is intentional, it is disrespectful because it limits your ability to respond, or it could be aimed at eliciting a particular response you might not otherwise offer. It can leave you feeling trapped. Again, acknowledge it and make a plan to follow it up at the next appropriate opportunity. Make sure that you don't just react or allow yourself to "pretend"it never happened. This will keep the relationship dysfunctional.

When you have a conversation you need to be able to listen and respond effectively and communicate in an open, honest way. We all like to think we are good listeners but in fact most of us have listening blocks which you might not even know about. Here are some of the most common. Identify which are yours and do your best to eliminate them.

Listening blocks


Mind reading. Assuming you know what the other person thinks and feels without asking them.

Rehearsing. Planning in your head what you will say next while not giving your fullest attention to what is being said now.

Filtering. Listening only to the things that are important to you and not hearing what is important to the other person. This could be listening with a focus on what will support the points you are trying to make.

Judging. Evaluating the other person and what they say rather than trying to see it from their perspective.

Sparring. Invalidating the other person by arguing rather than attempting to hear and understand.

Being right. Resisting or ignoring any communication or feedback that suggest you are in the wrong or could change. You can always respectfully challenge something after you have really listened.

Advising. Looking for solutions and suggestions before you have listened and understood what is being communicated.

Derailing. Changing the subject as soon as you hear something that threatens you or makes you feel uncomfortable.

Placating. Agreeing or apologising too quickly without listening to what the other person really thinks and feels. You will have time to respond appropriately when you have listened.

Daydreaming. Getting caught up in memories or fantasies while the other person is talking. This can happen for any number of reasons from being tired or bored to escaping from what is being talked about.

If you identify your blocks you will be able to listen in a more active way to what is being communicated. That gives you the opportunity to respond in a more considered and appropriate way and to challenge where that is necessary. People talk endlessly with their partners but many do not listen effectively or actually communicate. Make sure you try not to be one of them.



How to End a Relationship

After much consideration and consultation you have decided to end the relationship. But how do you go about it? How do you tell your partner? Where will you tell them?

Unfortunately this is probably the most difficult step in the process but there is no way around it. It is a conversation you have to have and it won't be easy.

If you are in a physically abusive relationship or you fear for your safety always seek professional support. But here, I am looking a situation where this is unlikely to be an issue.

Firstly, you have made your decision and you must stick to it. Resolve not to be swayed if you know/think your partner won't want to end.

In the current era of information technology most of us communicate via some social media platform. Don't use any of these methods to end a significant relationship. It is plain cruel. It also means you avoid working through the ending and fully facing up to it. This is not healthy for your own growth and development as a person.

Think about where to have this conversation. It might be best to think about neutral territory if that is possible. Choose somewhere private and quiet. It might sound obvious but don't pick somewhere you both have an emotional attachment to!

Plan ahead. You have made your decision, now decide what you will say. Be honest and clear about what you feel and have decided to do. Use "I" statements.
"I feel........"
"I want......."
"I have decided....."

Avoid blaming, criticising or making accusations. You are finishing this relationship because it is no longer right for you.

Let go of any notion that you can rescue, or take away the other person's pain or difficult feelings. This is easier said than done but it is much better to listen with empathy and understanding. Help them to feel heard by paraphrasing what they say and picking up on their feelings. Acknowledge what is happening for them.

Avoid getting into an argument. Whatever response you get, simply reiterate the decision you have come to as calmly as possible. If your partner is sad, tearful and/or angry that's ok. It is normal. Just let them be with it. Don't try to take it away. Help them share it for a while.

If he/she loses control of their anger and starts shouting it is important not to buy into that because it will escalate. Let them know it is not doing either of you any good to continue the conversation and suggest some cooling off time. No harm to let them know you understand their anger but leave it at that. If you have to walk away, do it.

Don't drag up the past or allow yourself to be manipulated into it. Say something like, "I know this is hard...but...", and go back to your "I" statements, clarifying how you feel, what you want and what you have decided. This will be difficult so rehearse beforehand with a friend you can trust or a counsellor if you are seeing one. You already know your partner and will have a fair idea of what to expect. I know this sounds quite clinical but that is not what I intend. It is just better to have prepared a clear strategy for difficult conversations. In the long run it benefits both parties.

Do put a plan in place for the practical aspects of the process. Where will you go and what will you do when you have had the conversation? If you live together do you need to consider where you will stay? What about sleeping arrangements? These things can easily be overlooked but have the potential to leave you stuck in a very uncomfortable and emotionally charged situation. You might also think about your belongings in any shared living arrangement.

Make sure you have a support system in place. Let a friend know what is happening and have a plan to spend time with them. This can be a very difficult time and you will almost certainly need a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen and be there.

When you have cried and talked try some laughter too - it will help release tension. You may not share my sense of humour but I almost guarantee you will split your sides if you YouTube two sketches from Victoria Wood (As seen on TV); "Two Soups" and "Is it on the Trolley". That's not intended to be flippant, laughter helps with emotional release.

Lastly, no matter how appropriate it is to leave a relationship, the loss can feel like a death and in a way it is. You will need to allow yourself to feel the sadness and grieve fully. If you don't' it won't be possible to grow and move on to the next stage of your life. You will also be in danger of repeating the same patterns that have not served you well over and over again.

I will look at the moving on stage in the next post.