Assertiveness & Relationships

 

 

One of the most important interpersonal skills to ensure a happy, healthy relationship is assertiveness.
In fact, if you are passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive (manipulative) you are almost certain to run into problems. If any of these three is your main behaviour style the relationship will be dysfunctional.

I've come across many people who believe assertiveness is simply the ability to say "no" or "to stand up for your rights". That's only part of it because you can do both in an aggressive manner.

Being assertive means you can confidently and directly express how you feel, what you want or need, your opinion and beliefs without needing to justify them while also respecting the other person's right to express themselves. Sure it is about saying "no" when that's appropriate, standing up for yourself  and protecting your boundaries, but in a way that respects others.

Honesty, mutual respect and open communication are key to any healthy relationship. If you are assertive you demonstrate respect for yourself and your partner. A lack of assertiveness is likely to lead to negative outcomes like emotional withdrawal, resentment and a lack of respect. I sometimes hate it when someone tells me about an old saying, but often they are true. And the one about "if you don't respect yourself, no-one else will" is one of them.

People who are assertive will say things like "I feel..." rather than "You make me feel...." It is better to talk about how you feel rather than what your partner is doing. "I'm afraid I find that difficult to believe" is far preferable to "You're just lying.." "You..." has a tendency to be accusing and the more you use it the more defensive your partner is likely to become.


Take responsibility for yourself rather than for others and don't expect them to fix you.. Know your boundaries and sensitively but firmly point it out when someone has transgressed them. If you are assertive you will communicate openly and directly with your partner rather than expecting them to second guess what is going on. You will let them know when you are happy, hurt, irritated or angry without fearing confrontation because if there is a problem you will want to find a win-win solution.

Deal with issues or problems as they arise rather than allowing frustration to build up. If you wait too long you will probably become more resentful and the situation will be more heated. Or, you might let it completely subside and then blame them for not knowing what you felt.

When you are getting used to being assertive:

• Take a deep breath and speak as calmly as you can.

• Try to see the discussion or conversation as negotiation rather than an argument.

• Make eye contact with your partner.

• Avoid apologising. This makes it look as if you believe you are in the wrong, or at the very least, you are unsure of yourself. But do apologise when you are!

• Choose the right moment to talk things through, but as soon as possible and certainly not in front of other people.

• If you don't get the response you hoped for, don't worry. You can't control or take responsibility for how they respond. If you have been kind, reasonable and clear and if what you say is in the spirit of honesty and respect, you have done your job.

• Do remember that if you are not being honest and direct, you are disrespecting the other person. Either you are denying their ability to deal with reality or you are attempting to manipulate them.

• If you have to deal with a big issue in the relationship, think it through carefully beforehand or talk it through with someone you can trust. Decide what you want and how you will communicate it. Think about whether or not there is room for negotiation and compromise, then come up with your bottom line and stick to it.

I believe the hardest thing in all of this is fear of upsetting the status quo by engaging in a new, albeit more healthy, behaviour. And, believe me, you will meet with resistance from others at least until they get used to it. If they have stayed long enough with your current non-assertive behaviour style, there has been a payoff for them, whether or not they are aware of this or care to admit it.

Some people are afraid of change and growth for fear of rejection or abandonment. What if your partner walked away from the relationship? That uncertainty is certainly difficult to confront. We all fear change to one degree or another. However, if you are changing, becoming more healthy and your partner isn't or can't cope, does this particular relationship work for you anymore? It is not my job to suggest an answer, only you can do that but it is worth exploration

Benefits

There are many benefits to be had from behaving assertively. Here are just a few;

It improves confidence and self-esteem.

You earn respect from others.

You can't be accused of fudging or being unclear.

You create a win-win situation.

You have more honest and real relationships.


Alternatives

The usual alternatives to assertive behaviour are aggressive and passive-aggressive. If your behaviour is directly aggressive and consistent, for eg; shouting, throwing things, hitting someone or destroying their possessions you should seek professional help. This will cause your relationships to fail time and again and without some form of psychological treatment will cause you stress and quite possibly physical health problems.

The more common alternative to assertiveness in a relationship is passive-aggressive behaviour. Passive -aggressive  people don't express anger in a healthy fashion. They bottle it up and find subtle ways of punishing their partner. They may even appear friendly and well meaning but under the surface there will be manipulation going on.

Passive aggression is a destructive behaviour pattern and is a recognised form of emotional abuse.

Examples are;

Sulking. Being silent, sullen and resentful in order to get attention.

Giving the silent treatment or blanking the other person out.

Finding reasons to be obstructive.

Being late for something important. This a way of controlling others and their experience.

Being ambiguous. Being cryptic and unclear, not fully engaging.

Conveniently forgetting something important. This shows a lack of respect and is a way of punishing the other person.

Withholding behaviour. This can be anything from sex to engaging fully, not clearing up. It is not doing something a person is explicitly responsible for doing - as a means of punishment.

Criticising and blaming. Passive -aggressives often don't take responsibility for their own actions and decisions preferring to blame other people for their actions, decisions and poor choices.

The list could go on and on. You will have come across your own examples. The best way to deal with passive-aggressive behaviour is to name it and confront it. Do not buy into the manipulation.

Passive-aggressive behaviour (if it is the predominant style of one person in a relationship) has been linked with a fear of intimacy. There can be issues of trust, likely stemming from early childhood, and they guard against becoming intimately involved or attached. Alongside this they will want a relationship so rather than be vulnerable and honest, the might seek to control it rather than risk full participation.



Moving On (after the relationship ends)

 

 

Even though you decided this relationship wasn't fulfilling and you who had the courage to do something about it, there will be pain and loss.

 

You can expect to go through a grieving process similar to a bereavement. It is best to give it time and let the process of healing and recovery take its course.

 

You may be in shock and denial at first. It is hard to believe it is really over and you still hold out some hope of a reconciliation. You are also likely to feel hurt and guilty. You might mull over how you could have handled the relationship differently. You may find yourself acting as though it hasn't finished.

 

You'll likely go through an angry and bargaining stage too. Maybe if you gave it another go things might work out. It feels like it was all your fault; your expectations were too high, you were too needy, not considerate enough, too insecure, too independent. These are normal feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. Maybe take note of them and talk them through with someone or keep a journal.

 

Mild depression and loneliness are also common reactions to any break-up. They come up as it hits you how much you have lost. But it is normal to grieve, even if you know this particular relationship wasn't right for you. You invested a lot in it and now you have to let go of the expectations you had of yourself, your ex partner and perhaps other people's expectations, like family and friends. You can lessen the impact by spending time with friends and doing things you enjoy.

 

You might feel like you have failed and have made a huge mistake. Of course you haven't failed and you are human so you're entitled to make mistakes. Tell yourself that it is ok to make mistakes and learn from them. You will be better prepared next time. You will know what you want and what you can compromise on.

 

Often when we suffer a loss we tend to idealise the person who is gone - same with relationships. Try to remember what was both good and bad about it. It might be tempting to see the other person as some sort of ideal while you were the one who fell short of whatever it was that would keep you together. The truth is you both have strengths and weaknesses.

 

While you are going through this difficult process make sure you surround yourself with supportive people who care about you. Try to accept that these intense feelings will lesson over time and while you have made the right decision for you, venturing out into the unknown, unfamiliar again is also quite frightening. Be kind to yourself. It is normal to feel this way just at the moment.

 

Time Apart

 

Even if the relationship ended on relatively friendly terms ( and you want to remain friends) it is important to have time apart to allow emotions to subside. How long that might be is up to you but it is probably a good idea to leave it until you can talk or meet without any ulterior motive on your part.

The grieving process leaves the best of us feeling vulnerable and you don't want to do, say or commit to something you might regret at a later stage.

 

Some people find it easier to cut off all contact, at least for a period of time. This might seem difficult, and it will be at first, but it is the quickest way to kick start your process of recovery.

 

Try to avoid checking up on your ex partner through mutual friends or social media. It could be tempting to know what they are up to and it might make you feel better temporarily (because it reduces anxiety). However, in the longer term it will only cause you more hurt and delay your healing process.

 

Big Decisions

 

While you are going through the grieving process it is best not to make any major decisions. Give yourself time to go through it. In my work, I know somebody is coming out of the process when they can talk about what was good and not good about the person or the relationship and what they might take forward into the rest of their lives. They will have begun to reconnect with people and interests that may have been neglected. They know there is a future and it can be bright.

 

Remember, at least once you have shown that you are capable of giving and receiving love and being in a relationship. Just because this one fizzled out or you got to know yourself better and it wasn't what you wanted or needed does not mean that there isn't one that is right for you.

 

This might sound obvious! Don't get into another relationship until you've gotten over this one. People often do as a way of avoiding the pain. You won't be able to put yourself fully into it and you might get involved with someone you wouldn't normally, only to regret it later. Take time to reflect and know what you want, otherwise you could find yourself choosing (unconsciously) a person similar to your ex  who will unwittingly help you to repeat old, unhealthy patterns.

 

Reflect

 

When it feels right, reflect on the relationship. Despite how it may seem at the moment it can be an opportunity to grow and become stronger.

 

Think about your relationship patterns.

 

• Was this just one of those things or have you found yourself in relationships that didn't (or perhaps never could) work before?

 

•  Do you tend to choose the wrong person for you over and over? What could this tell you about yourself?

 

• How do you deal with conflict and insecurity? How do you deal with feeling vulnerable?

 

• Are you able and willing to assert your needs in relationships?

 

• Do you accept others as they are?

 

• Do you accept yourself as you are?

 

• Can you meet your own expectations or do you often find yourself meeting somebody else's?

 

You may have many other questions that are unique to who you are and what your situation or relationship was like.

 

Following on from this, what do you want from any future relationship? Thinking carefully about this one, and what was missing for you will be helpful. You can have what you want (within reason) but you must firstly, know what that is, and secondly be prepared to communicate it.

 

What will you do differently next time?

 

It can't be said often enough that if you are going through all of this,  give yourself a break. Reach out and ask for support and try to get out and have as much fun as possible while at the same time not avoiding or denying the reality of the situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 





How to End a Relationship

After much consideration and consultation you have decided to end the relationship. But how do you go about it? How do you tell your partner? Where will you tell them?

Unfortunately this is probably the most difficult step in the process but there is no way around it. It is a conversation you have to have and it won't be easy.

If you are in a physically abusive relationship or you fear for your safety always seek professional support. But here, I am looking a situation where this is unlikely to be an issue.

Firstly, you have made your decision and you must stick to it. Resolve not to be swayed if you know/think your partner won't want to end.

In the current era of information technology most of us communicate via some social media platform. Don't use any of these methods to end a significant relationship. It is plain cruel. It also means you avoid working through the ending and fully facing up to it. This is not healthy for your own growth and development as a person.

Think about where to have this conversation. It might be best to think about neutral territory if that is possible. Choose somewhere private and quiet. It might sound obvious but don't pick somewhere you both have an emotional attachment to!

Plan ahead. You have made your decision, now decide what you will say. Be honest and clear about what you feel and have decided to do. Use "I" statements.
"I feel........"
"I want......."
"I have decided....."

Avoid blaming, criticising or making accusations. You are finishing this relationship because it is no longer right for you.

Let go of any notion that you can rescue, or take away the other person's pain or difficult feelings. This is easier said than done but it is much better to listen with empathy and understanding. Help them to feel heard by paraphrasing what they say and picking up on their feelings. Acknowledge what is happening for them.

Avoid getting into an argument. Whatever response you get, simply reiterate the decision you have come to as calmly as possible. If your partner is sad, tearful and/or angry that's ok. It is normal. Just let them be with it. Don't try to take it away. Help them share it for a while.

If he/she loses control of their anger and starts shouting it is important not to buy into that because it will escalate. Let them know it is not doing either of you any good to continue the conversation and suggest some cooling off time. No harm to let them know you understand their anger but leave it at that. If you have to walk away, do it.

Don't drag up the past or allow yourself to be manipulated into it. Say something like, "I know this is hard...but...", and go back to your "I" statements, clarifying how you feel, what you want and what you have decided. This will be difficult so rehearse beforehand with a friend you can trust or a counsellor if you are seeing one. You already know your partner and will have a fair idea of what to expect. I know this sounds quite clinical but that is not what I intend. It is just better to have prepared a clear strategy for difficult conversations. In the long run it benefits both parties.

Do put a plan in place for the practical aspects of the process. Where will you go and what will you do when you have had the conversation? If you live together do you need to consider where you will stay? What about sleeping arrangements? These things can easily be overlooked but have the potential to leave you stuck in a very uncomfortable and emotionally charged situation. You might also think about your belongings in any shared living arrangement.

Make sure you have a support system in place. Let a friend know what is happening and have a plan to spend time with them. This can be a very difficult time and you will almost certainly need a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen and be there.

When you have cried and talked try some laughter too - it will help release tension. You may not share my sense of humour but I almost guarantee you will split your sides if you YouTube two sketches from Victoria Wood (As seen on TV); "Two Soups" and "Is it on the Trolley". That's not intended to be flippant, laughter helps with emotional release.

Lastly, no matter how appropriate it is to leave a relationship, the loss can feel like a death and in a way it is. You will need to allow yourself to feel the sadness and grieve fully. If you don't' it won't be possible to grow and move on to the next stage of your life. You will also be in danger of repeating the same patterns that have not served you well over and over again.

I will look at the moving on stage in the next post.

Ending a Relationship - the Consideration stage

You've given it your all and tried everything but it is still not right. You're considering finishing the relationship but you are still uncertain.

If you're not getting what you want or need from a relationship it is probably time to part ways. That might sound selfish but if you are not getting what you need, neither is your partner (whether or not he/she says that, or is even aware of it). Healthy relationships require honesty to thrive and grow and if you can't communicate honestly there is a problem.

If you are considering bringing it to an end and can't yet talk to your partner, think about exploring things with a counsellor and/or a good friend. The advantage of counselling is that the counsellor will have no investment in the relationship and should only support you in doing what is right for you. His only agenda should be your wellbeing. What you say will be in confidence and you won't be judged.

If you choose to talk to a friend, pick the best listener and one who can be as impartial as is possible for a friend to be. Remember, our friends have an emotional investment in our lives and that's a good thing. It's best not to be overly swayed by someone who either really likes or dislikes your partner. However if it is the latter explore what they don't like about what the relationship is doing to you.

It's difficult to end

Many people in long-term relationships have made compromises to fit into another person's life. The difficulty in breaking up is often to do with people forgetting how to be self-sufficient. This brings up a fear of loss and insecurity, which fuels the desire to hold onto unhealthy relationships. These are valid feelings and will require exploration later.

Everyone has ups and downs in their relationships. That's normal and most work through them with open dialogue. Relationship experts say there is no formula for deciding when to call it a day, but there are some signals to watch out for. If you experience more than a few of these consistently over a long period, it's likely time to move on:

You're not getting what you want or need. If you're not happy it is very unlikely that your partner is either.

You can't communicate. You just trundle along but you never really communicate how you feel about the relationship, where it is going, your common plans and goals for the future.

You no longer look forward to spending time alone with your partner. You find that you prefer to spend time with other people to avoid being alone together.

You often find reasons to criticise your partner. If you are often worried about their personality, appearance, behaviour, opinions and ideas, you could ask yourself if you are with the right person for you.

You compare your partner to others. When you love someone you don't compare him/her to others. You accept them for who they are. If you find yourself doing this, you should re-evaluate your relationship.

You want to change your partner. Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships with people who don't suit us. We can't change them and shouldn't want to. If you do, it may be time to face up to reality.

You don't laugh anymore. Humour is vital in all relationships. If you no longer laugh, play and have fun together, it is a sign that the relationship has lost something really important.

You do most of the giving (or most of the receiving). Relationships are about mutual benefit. If one partner is benefiting over the other, the relationship is unhealthy. And of course this is about proportion overall. There will be times when one person needs more support than the other; the proverbial "swings and roundabouts". However, this needs to be a two way street.

You don't feel respected. If your boundaries are treated as though they are less important than your partner's or if you are expected to behave/feel in a particular way to maintain the status quo, you might need to think this through. Do you often find yourself walking on eggshells,  supressing your feelings or the need to express yourself because you want to avoid conflict/anxiety/tension?

Your friends don't like being around you when you're with your partner. Your friends may like your partner but what they don't like is the affect the relationship has on you. What do they tell you? Do they say you don't seem comfortable? You have changed? you have lost your sense of humour?

You don't feel good about yourself anymore. Think about how you felt at the start. If this feeling is lacking you may want to have a good look at your relationship.

These are just some ideas to help you try to make an honest evaluation of your relationship and whether or not it is the right relationship for you.

Patterns of Relating



In my experience it is useful to look at patterns in your relationships and consider how they came about. You will then be in a position to determine whether or not all of these patterns are still useful today or, if you need to look at how you could begin relating to others differently. Hopefully you can gain insight into what works and what doesn't so you can grow and change.
 

It is my belief that patterns of relating are shaped at a very early age. Then they are stored away in the unconscious. However, quite often without even being aware of it, we transfer them to our subsequent relationships. Some of these patterns might still be relevant in adulthood but it is likely that many will not serve us well. (See Transference in a previous post).
 

A good starting point is to look at the patterns in your closest relationship and think about how some (or all) of these patterns are mirrored in your wider relationships; with family, friends, work colleagues etc. Then think about similar patterns in your earliest relationships, especially with your parents and if you can remember back far enough, with your Mother (or whoever took on that role) in particular. She was the first major influence on your early development.

 

 

It may be easier to do this with somebody you trust and who can be objective. A therapist is the best option because they can help you interpret and make sense of your patterns without judging you or having any agenda of their own apart from your wellbeing. If you choose a friend, do give them permission to be honest and objective rather than tell you what they believe you want to hear. Otherwise you won't have an opportunity to truly gain understanding and grow from the experience.
 

Let me give you a simple example from my work as a therapist. I will change some of the detail (to protect client confidentiality) and focus only on the relevant points. I also want to make it clear that because this example relatets to a hetrosexual couple these ideas and concepts are just as relevant to a same sex couple.
 

The man in this relationship felt quite controlled by his wife. She was a loving, caring person but always needed to make him feel happy and content. This was especially noticable at times when he needed to express anger, sadness, unhappiness, or just negotiate his way through some difficult situation.
 

Part (though only part) of the reason they sought my help was because he found it difficult to communicate to someone so caring that she was denying his needs. She found it difficult when he became moody, depressed or uncommunicative because she was so kind and loving.
 

In the work we did it emerged that rather than having a sense of responsibliity towards their relationship, this lady was taking responsibility for another person's feelings. This resulted in him trying to supress any "negative" or "upsetting" feelings. On top of this he also felt guilty that they might show because that would cause his wife anxiety. She felt anxious anyway because she knew there was something wrong. And it was something that kindness, over-caring and giving didn't seem to fix! So, she began to feel inadequate and resentful. Neither was able to be happy because neither could be authentic (real) in the relationship.


These are typical characteristics of a condition called co-dependency. I will look at that in more detail in a future post.
 

Unpicking patterns in the woman's other relationships threw up many similarities. She spent a lot of time, energy and money on a nephew who was addicted to drugs. It had become her role to save him from himself; covering up for him, paying debts and attempting to police him in the vain hope that she could stop him taking drugs and fix his life. Only he could do this but that is another topic in itself. The same patterns showed up in her relationships with friends and work colleagues. She always offered to work late to allow "someone in greater need" to leave on time. She came forward with every form of help and support without even being asked. This brought more anxiety at times when she couldn't fix (control) people's lives. She was also resentful that others didn't seem willing to put themselves out for her, though she rarely asked for support! She had never considered that if you constantly do things for other people you could be undermining their ability to look after themselves. If you are always the giver, others may come to believe they have little or nothing to offer you. It is good to give but we need a sense of balance and proportion.
 

When we looked further back in this woman's life to try and understand where these maladaptive patterns of relating were established, she remembered being a small child. Her mother was often ill, withdrawn, vulnerable. Her father was domineering and could be harsh towards his wife, causing stress.

 

As a small child, my client took responsibility for protecting her mother, doing all in her power (sometimes without realising, and denying her own needs) to make everything alright.
 

A small child will naturally do this because in the young, developing mind, its survival is threatened. So, she had to ensure that her mother was well enough to look after her. This was where she learned that she had to take responsibility and constantly make things right. It was in order that the small child could feel safe.
 

These patterns became part of her unconscious personality, and without thinking about it, they were carried into other relationships throughout her life. The problem is that the old patterns are not appropriate in the later relationships because the original threat is no longer relevant. So they become destructive. However, the wounded inner child doesn't know that.
 

The work continued with this couple and slowly the old patterns became manageable. This lady began to develop the confidence to risk constructing new and more healthy patterns of relating. Her relationship improved because she was able to let go of feeling responsible for her husband's feelings. Consequently, he was able to talk more openly with her and they started to work things through together with mutual understanding. The grew as individuals and as a couple.

Handling Anger

 

Anger is a feeling. It is neither good nor bad. It is simply an emotion which communicates the need to do or say something - take some sort of action.

It is not healthy to keep anger in because it just festers and nothing gets resolved. Anger and frustration also release chemicals in the body which can affect your emotional and physical wellbeing. It can lead to conditions such as anxiety. Suppressing (pushing down) anger benefits no-one and sooner or later it will find a way out. Think of it like this; why were we given the ability to feel anger if it wasn't in some way necessary to our survival?

However, be clear about what anger is and what it is not. Often, when I ask early level counselling students to describe what they call anger they come up with things like, hitting, throwing objects, shouting, sulking and giving the silent treatment. These are inappropriate responses to anger but not anger itself.

People have killed or injured themselves or others as a result of unmanaged anger and responding inappropriately when the became "out of control". At times of high emotional arousal (like unmanaged angry feelings), the fight or flight mechanism kicks in. This switches off the thinking part of the brain; it is a survival technique we rarely need these days.

Imagine a lion or a tiger appeared in your living room. Your left brain would automatically cease to function and chemicals would be pumped into your body to prepare you to run very fast or fight for your life. If your thinking, rational brain were allowed to function you might take too long to consider what to do or begin to admire the animal's beauty and grace. Result? You would soon be torn to shreds!

The same process happens when anger is allowed to escalate through lack of management. That is why people lash out, doing and saying things that would otherwise be out of character. So, it is important to recognise when you are becoming angry and arm yourself with strategies to deal with it.

One of the best ways t express anger is by talking about it, preferably with the person you are feeling angry with, if it is a person. If you find that you are quickly moving towards boiling point, try to take some time out before it is too late to make a rational decision.

Sometimes people say they don't realise they are angry until they are already at the point of lashing out. This may seem true but it isn't. It is just that they don't yet have the skills or experience to recognise the initial signs. Many, if not most of us, feel anger somewhere in the body first; the stomach, shoulders, the voice or a general feeling of becoming tight and tense. This is when we need to do something to manage it.

• Try to identify what is causing you to feel angry.

• Speak to somebody about it. If it isn't possible to speak to the person it relates to, speak to someone else.

• Think about whether your anger is in proportion. If this is difficult, ask someone objective to give you their honest opinion.

• If you need time out alone you might try some simple breathing exercises to help calm your body and mind. You can still confront the source or subject of your anger when you are calm. And you will be more likely to get a satisfactory outcome.

• Find an appropriate way to express your anger. The most effective way is talking it through with whoever you are responding angrily towards. There's a school of thinking that says you could punch a pillow or punch-bag. I'm not sure this is effective. It might help release aggression but what about resolving the situation you are angry about?

• Don't get into displacement by expressing the anger on a less threatening target. Small children often do this and perhaps it is sometimes appropriate. If a child fears the consequences of being angry with a teacher, they might play up with a parent later. That is because the parent is a safe and consistent target. There may be a consequence but the child knows they will still be loved and valued. In adulthood we can try to find an appropriate way to address the issue in a respectful way with the actual target of our anger.

Anger & Relationships
 

When you have decided that what you are angry about is important - meaning that you are not being oversensitive or intolerant - talk about it calmly and respectfully.

 Be willing to hear the other person's side of the story with the aim of creating a new situation that benefits you both.

Listen without interrupting or thinking about what you want to say next.

Take ownership of what you are thinking/feeling and don't attack. Say things like, "I get upset when you say/do ....." or, "I feel really angry when you........"

Expressing how you feel keeps the discussion honest and helps the other person to hear you. If you say things like, "You make me feel........", it is less likely that you will be heard because we tend to switch off when we are attacked and this is an attacking statement. You are also giving over all your power because, strange as it may seem, nobody but yourself can make you feel anything unless they inflict physical pain.

Avoid making assumptions about what the other person is thinking/feeling just to support your side of the argument. The truth is, unless they have told you, you can't be sure. So, ask!

Don't try to control the other person or win the argument. Instead, look for a win-win solution, if you wish to keep the relationship healthy that is.

Focus on the topic. Don't bring up old stuff - this is emotional blackmail. If the other person brings up  a situation from the past, respectfully but firmly let them know that isn't relevant at the moment and stay with what is. You might suggest that you come back to other stuff later if it is still unresolved.

Don't express your anger in a passive-aggressive manner. This is an indirect way of dealing with anger and punishing the person you are angry with. Some people put a lot of thought into it and others do it unconsciously. It has any number of manifestations. Some of the more common ways are; sulking, the silent treatment, conveniently forgetting something important to the other person, taking up a lot of emotional/psychological space or doing/saying something you know could have an averse impact on someone.

I'll write more about this and other styles of behaviour in another post.

There is plenty of research showing that couples who express their anger appropriately live longer than those who store it up. And of course it makes for a far better, closer and more intimate relationship. So, argue when you need to and have fun making up afterwards!

Why do people get into unhealthy relationships?

This happens for a whole variety of reasons. Sometimes it is just bad luck. Often is it about not knowing yourself or the other person before making a commitment. But probably even more often it is about repeating patterns, where we unconsciously attract people who confirm our deeply held beliefs about ourselves and our sense of self worth.
 

How often have you heard someone talk about always attracting the wrong person even when they had set out to be with someone quite different? This is usually put down to bad luck and usually luck has little to do with it. If it was bad luck and the person was emotionally healthy enough, they would move on from it and the chances of it happening again would be greatly reduced.

I believe that many of us are not emotionally healthy enough in this area, unless we have taken steps to understand who we are, what our patterns are and what we want from relationships. We need a good enough sense of self esteem that comes from within. It is often said that if you don't fully love and accept yourself, you won't be able to love somebody else. There is a lot of truth in that because you could find yourself looking for somebody else to meet those needs that only you can meet.



 

Something to think about:

When you were a tiny baby you easily identified and communicated your needs; to be fed, cleaned and comforted. You were also born with an innate drive to "be in relationship" with others. You needed love, affection and positive regard as much as you needed food.
 

Then, at some stage before you could even talk, came Conditions of Worth. They refer to how you perceived you needed to be to get positive regard from the adults taking care of you.

These conditions were incorporated into your growing personality and you came to believe (and made unconscious) that they were part of the real self. But they were not and are not.
 

There were unlimited conditions we may have believed we needed to meet to get positive regard. For example, a child might not include anger in her personality because her parents' scolding has established a condition of worth such that anger is inappropriate. This becomes unconscious (out of our awareness) but nonetheless is played out in adult life. The adult woman may find it difficult to feel or express her anger and when she does she will unknowingly attract punishment.

This could mean she will attract people who will give her reason to be angry and who will punish her for expressing it.

At a conscious level she will not be aware of her motivation for doing this.

We tend to act out the old relationships where the Conditions of Worth were first established and developed, either to confirm our unconscious beliefs about ourselves or as a means of finding a better outcome to them and feel more secure within ourselves. In therapy-speak, this is called Transference.
 

A child who was abandoned or not looked after well enough can become a needy adult, seeking constant reassurance and putting unrealistic expectations on their relationships. Or, they may simply repeat the pattern by choosing relationships with people who won't or are not capable of caring for them. Or, who will abandon them.
 

None of this is about blaming parents. In most cases they were doing the best they could with the knowledge and awareness available to them at the time. Remember, it is about the child's perception and whether or not it is in proportion.
 

It is my belief that looking at our own patterns and really getting to know ourselves helps us to have healthier relationships.. We are better equipped to choose more compatible partners where we can take ownership for our feelings and needs and know when it is ok to choose to compromise without having that gut feeling that it is not what we want or, feeling that we are being coerced or manipulated. We can assert our needs, ask for support, protect our boundaries and say "no" when appropriate.