Intimacy

 

 

 

Quite often when I discuss the concept of intimacy with students and clients, they think mainly of the physical or sexual aspect of a relationship. While that area is, of course important, it is only one of several intimate aspects of a relationship. For a relationship to grow and embrace deep love there needs to be several others.

 

Emotional intimacy. This is about being emotionally close to the other person, feeling able to let your defences down and let them know who you really are and what you really feel. It is also about being able to share in his/her feelings too. If you can't share the difficult feelings as well as the exciting and happy feelings, is there a problem? Why are they hidden? Is this truly a relationship at all?

 

Sometimes intimacy doesn't require words but if you can vocalise your thoughts and feelings, it is more likely to occur. It certainly has no chance if you are avoiding letting your partner know how you feel, or if you are expecting them to second guess. If this is the case, you might want to think what it is you are avoiding. Are you afraid they will reject you or walk away if they know the real you; how you feel, think, what you want, need? If so, then aren't you already abandoned because they can't deeply love someone they don't know; who only shows selected parts of themselves. That is just being in love with an idea, a fantasy rather than a person.

 

Psychologist, Robert Firestone, talked about the "fantasy bond", meaning a way of relating that is a substitute for a real, loving relationship. He said, "this illusion of connection and closeness allows a couple to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance".

 

Intellectual intimacy.  You are on the same wavelength. Do you share thoughts and ideas and feel able to understand each other's thought processes? Of course, you will have different views and opinions on some things. Some people in satisfying relationships vote for different political parties or might not share all of the same interests. However, it is important that there are some common areas and that you feel able to accept each other's differences. Otherwise, rather than making healthy compromises, you end up simply accommodating at your own expense. Is this true intimacy?

 

Sexual intimacy. Do you enjoy being close physically and sharing a meaningful connection with each other? Perhaps a  way of knowing this is whether or not you like mutual touch, sensuality and sexual pleasure. Do the little touches count and bring you together? Is your sexual relationship mutually satisfying? If not, is this something you are able to work on or, have you tried and failed? What might that tell you about the sexual intimacy in this relationship?

 

Recreational intimacy. This is about being able to relax and have fun, laugh together because you have similar needs and interests. You will both have other interests and that is healthy but do you have enough in common to share?

 

Many people in new relationships feel they have reached a new level of intimacy. This is usual when you fall in love. It is exciting and you can imagine nothing more fulfilling. But as you go through the highs and lows and work through them (by not ignoring them), you discover deeper and deeper levels of real intimacy. And every time this happens the relationship becomes richer and more fulfilling.

 

Intimacy is about confronting situations together and talking through how you feel about each other and the relationship. It is also about knowing yourself and being prepared to risk allowing your partner to know you fully.

 





Communicate. Talking always helps

 

Talking things through (healthy communication) is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Honest communication is to a relationship what oxygen is to a person, it can't live and thrive without it.

In my work I often hear people say there never seems to be the right time or place to have an important conversation. I view this as resistance, usually rooted in fear of the consequences.
What are those fears based on? What are the consequences of not talking about what is important to you and the relationship?

We lead busy lives but there can be an appropriate time and place to talk. You just need to create it. All it takes is a little planning and co-ordination.

What I am also used to as a therapist is the "door knob disclosure". This is usually an embarrassing, painful or uncomfortable revelation coming just as a counselling session is ending. In therapy there are many reasons for this which we shouldn't ignore. But it can and probably does happen in your  relationships too. Sometimes you or your partner will reveal something or imply something important at a time when you know (either consciously or unconsciously) that it can't be explored further.

It needs to be explored further! One of you has communicated something significant that merits time and attention if your relationship is to remain healthy. Always acknowledge what you have heard and at the first opportunity arrange a space where it can be discussed.

The other way in which this kind of disclosure is employed is as manipulation (again either consciously or unconsciously). Whether or not it is intentional, it is disrespectful because it limits your ability to respond, or it could be aimed at eliciting a particular response you might not otherwise offer. It can leave you feeling trapped. Again, acknowledge it and make a plan to follow it up at the next appropriate opportunity. Make sure that you don't just react or allow yourself to "pretend"it never happened. This will keep the relationship dysfunctional.

When you have a conversation you need to be able to listen and respond effectively and communicate in an open, honest way. We all like to think we are good listeners but in fact most of us have listening blocks which you might not even know about. Here are some of the most common. Identify which are yours and do your best to eliminate them.

Listening blocks


Mind reading. Assuming you know what the other person thinks and feels without asking them.

Rehearsing. Planning in your head what you will say next while not giving your fullest attention to what is being said now.

Filtering. Listening only to the things that are important to you and not hearing what is important to the other person. This could be listening with a focus on what will support the points you are trying to make.

Judging. Evaluating the other person and what they say rather than trying to see it from their perspective.

Sparring. Invalidating the other person by arguing rather than attempting to hear and understand.

Being right. Resisting or ignoring any communication or feedback that suggest you are in the wrong or could change. You can always respectfully challenge something after you have really listened.

Advising. Looking for solutions and suggestions before you have listened and understood what is being communicated.

Derailing. Changing the subject as soon as you hear something that threatens you or makes you feel uncomfortable.

Placating. Agreeing or apologising too quickly without listening to what the other person really thinks and feels. You will have time to respond appropriately when you have listened.

Daydreaming. Getting caught up in memories or fantasies while the other person is talking. This can happen for any number of reasons from being tired or bored to escaping from what is being talked about.

If you identify your blocks you will be able to listen in a more active way to what is being communicated. That gives you the opportunity to respond in a more considered and appropriate way and to challenge where that is necessary. People talk endlessly with their partners but many do not listen effectively or actually communicate. Make sure you try not to be one of them.



Assertiveness - Your Rights

 

Being assertive is a choice but it is vital that you are able to choose. If you don't learn to become assertive, your relationships will not work to their full potential and you will likely be left feeling unfulfilled. Also, it most likely means you are not completely honest with your partner or other people.

This is a bill of assertiveness rights. I didn't create it but I certainly endorse it and use it in teaching sessions and workshops. Again, it is all about choice and exercising your rights when it is appropriate and in your best interest.

 

 

You have the right;

 

• To express all of your feelings, positive and negative.

 

 

• To change your mind.

 

 

• To make mistakes and not be perfect.

 

 

• To set and follow your own standards.

 

 

• To say no to anything without justification.

 

 

• To determine your own priorities.

 

 

• Not to be responsible for others' behaviour, actions, feelings or problems.

 

 

• To expect honesty from others.

 

 

• To be angry with somebody you love.

 

 

• To be uniquely yourself.

 

 

• To feel scared and say "I'm scared".

 

 

• To be unsure or not to know.

 

 

• Not to have to give excuses or reasons for your behaviour.

 

 

• To make decisions based on your feelings.

 

 

• To your own needs and personal space.

 

 

• To be playful and childlike.

 

 

• To change and grow.

 

 

• To have your needs and desires respected by others.

 

 

• To be treated with dignity and respect.

 



 

• To be happy and believe you are a worthwhile person.

 

Sometimes and in certain situations you may choose not to exercise some of your rights. That's ok so long as you are making a choice and not acting out of fear or manipulation. However, if you are aware of your rights and start to implement them when you feel it is appropriate, your relationships will be healthy.

There are also consequences to exercising your rights. It is likely that those closest to you will be resistant, at least at first. Some people might even decide they can't be around an assertive person - these will usually be people who have taken advantage of you or manipulated you in some way. If they don't change and grow, they will have to find someone else to manipulate. On the flip side of the coin, it means that those relationships which endure and any you establish in the future, will be open, honest, healthy and will have plenty of potential for growth and fulfilment.

And don't forget that with rights and choices there are also responsibilities. Take responsibility for who you are, what you feel, need and desire and allow your partner (or others) to do likewise.

 

 

 



The Passive Person

 

 

 

 

When it comes to behaviour styles most of us are on a spectrum. Sometimes we act passively, sometimes assertively, and though I hate to admit it, sometimes unwittingly, passive-aggressively.

 

 

That's ok unless we have become stuck in being passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive. In this post I'm looking at the passive person. Sometimes you might choose this behaviour, if the situation, or whatever you are dealing with isn't that important to you.  The crucial element here is that you are making a conscious choice. Unfortunately many people who are predominantly passive are not making a conscious choice.

 

 

Just like co-dependent people (in the previous post), many passive people learnt at an early age that in order to stay out of trouble or be loved and valued, they had to just keep their heads down and their mouths shut. They were not taught how to communicate effectively in relationships.

 

 

Passive behaviour means you have a pattern where you avoid expressing your feelings/opinions, standing up for your rights and identifying and meeting your needs. Like passive-aggressive behaviour it usually stems from low self-esteem. At some level (possibly out of their conscious awareness), the passive person is communicating to themselves and others: "I'm not worth taking care of". As a result they rarely respond directly to anger-inducing or hurtful situations.

 

 

Passive people will often:

 

 

• Not asset themselves.

 

 

• Allow others to infringe on their rights or manipulate them (consciously or unconsciously).

 

 

• Not express their feelings, needs or opinions.

 

 

• Tend to speak apologetically.

 

 

• Feel resentful because their needs are not being met.

 

 

• Feel confused or indecisive because they are ignoring their own feelings.

 

 

• Find it difficult to move forward because real issues are not addressed.

 

People who are mainly passive can be intimidated by manipulative anger and feel guilty when faced with manipulative hurt. This may help them avoid confrontation but it creates a lot of unhappiness.

They even make excuses when someone is treating them badly. Rather than place the blame on the manipulator, they often blame themselves, thinking; "It must be me. Something about me caused this to happen".

 

Because passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive behaviour patterns all have their roots in low self-esteem they are often unconsciously drawn to each other. The aggressive and passive-aggressive personality types will unconsciously seek out a passive partner like a magnet. It is actually true that we put a lot of energy into teaching people how to treat us!

 

Passive people often don't get their needs/desires met and have low self-esteem which is compounded by making unhealthy choices. They feel hurt because they are taken advantage of as a result of not communicating their needs. They usually avoid saying "no" when it is appropriate because they want to be nice, thinking the alternative to being nice is being selfish. Aggressive people love being with passive people because they are allowed to do their own thing, in their own time and in their own way, even if it involves manipulation and abuse.

 

The irony in all of this is that people usually don't trust someone who is always nice. It is just not real and others know that.

 

 

If you are mostly passive, think about why this is so? Where do you think it started? Go as far back as you can remember:

 

 

• Were you afraid of hurting someone else's feelings by being honest and open?

 

 

• Were you afraid of making someone angry?

 

 

• Were you afraid you would be abandoned or rejected?

 

 

It is now time to realise that you have a right to be heard and a right to be an important part of every relationship you have and a right to be respected. See the post on assertiveness and remember that most stress is caused by avoiding problems and people rather than dealing with them in an appropriate way. 



Co-dependency

The co-dependent is the person who wakes up next to their partner and says, "Good morning. How am I feeling?"

Co-dependency is a learned psychological condition that prevents a person from having a mutually satisfying relationship. It was originally identified in family members of people with a drug or alcohol addiction but it is now believed to be much more prevalent in the general population.

It has its roots in childhood. People brought up in dysfunctional families are more likely to have co-dependent characteristics. If you were raised in a family where a parent or sibling was ill, depressed, an addict, or in some other way was the focus of the family's energy, you could have developed co-dependent tendencies.

A dysfunctional family is one where people ignore and deny pain, anger, fear or shame. The family doesn't acknowledge problems. They deny them rather than face them. Members of the family learn to ignore difficult emotions. All attention is directed towards the person who is seen to be in need, the problem.

The co-dependent person will put the needs of the other person ahead of their own. Gradually, they lose contact with their own needs, desires and sense of self. The only way they can now get a sense of self-esteem is by caring for others in an unhealthy and disproportionate fashion. They need to take care regardless of how the other person feels about it. Without consciously realising it, a co-dependent partner will manipulate you into a position where you cannot do without them. Through no fault of their own they don't acknowledge that invisible boundary where they end and you begin.

The seeds of co-dependency are usually not sown explicitly. It could be as subtle as just knowing not to ask for your needs to be met, keeping them to yourself, because there is someone in the family with a greater need. It can become "normal" and people like this can often feel selfish and guilty if they have the urge to look after themselves (if it has the slightest impact on those around them). None of this is talked about openly.

Co-dependents take on the role of the martyr. They consistently put the needs of their partner (and likely many others) before their own because they can't bear the thought of not being needed. In a healthy relationship people are together because they choose to be whereas the co-dependent person needs the relationship more than their sense of self and usually with little regard to what the other person needs.

I once worked with a parent whose son had an addiction problem. It fairly quickly became apparent that this person was on the upper end of the scale when it came to co-dependency. The extreme need to control and fix people veered into areas of their life well beyond the family unit.

We explored its roots in this person's family of origin and in relation to the son (in his late twenties), a little progress was made. This parent had previously allowed him to use drugs in the family home, made excuses to managers when he couldn't get to work, drove miles to pick him up from parties when he was too high to get home. She tried to police him, keep him in the house, hide any drugs she found and allowed herself to be abused and manipulated in every way possible over and over again.

After several months some changes were made and the son was enabled to face up to the consequences of his addictive behaviour; unfortunately the only way in which someone with an addiction can be helped.

But the progress was short lived. The parent resumed the old behaviour and terminated the therapy, likely (though I don't know) blaming me as the therapist because after all she would have adopted a "victim" stance. I believe that this person was simply unable to let go. While of course she wanted her son to be well at a conscious level, at an unconscious level she couldn't bear the thought that she wouldn't be needed if her adult child recovered and went out into the world. Her role and means of self-esteem would disappear.

A person with co-dependency issues will manipulate (unconsciously) others into a situation where they can't do without them. |

Signs of Co-dependency:

• Must always be in control.

• Find needy people to take care of.

• Have overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

• Wonder why people don't do more for them.

• Feel victimised by the perceived "selfishness" of others.

• Feel empty/bored if there's no problem/crisis to deal with.

• Are afraid of making mistakes.

• Feel angry/rejected when their help is not needed/wanted.

Like any condition, co-dependency is on a spectrum. The good news is that people on the upper end can and do recover. Some do it through counselling, others attend Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA) or a combination of the two.

I can recommend an excellent book. Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is a classic on this subject.



Assertiveness & Relationships

 

 

One of the most important interpersonal skills to ensure a happy, healthy relationship is assertiveness.
In fact, if you are passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive (manipulative) you are almost certain to run into problems. If any of these three is your main behaviour style the relationship will be dysfunctional.

I've come across many people who believe assertiveness is simply the ability to say "no" or "to stand up for your rights". That's only part of it because you can do both in an aggressive manner.

Being assertive means you can confidently and directly express how you feel, what you want or need, your opinion and beliefs without needing to justify them while also respecting the other person's right to express themselves. Sure it is about saying "no" when that's appropriate, standing up for yourself  and protecting your boundaries, but in a way that respects others.

Honesty, mutual respect and open communication are key to any healthy relationship. If you are assertive you demonstrate respect for yourself and your partner. A lack of assertiveness is likely to lead to negative outcomes like emotional withdrawal, resentment and a lack of respect. I sometimes hate it when someone tells me about an old saying, but often they are true. And the one about "if you don't respect yourself, no-one else will" is one of them.

People who are assertive will say things like "I feel..." rather than "You make me feel...." It is better to talk about how you feel rather than what your partner is doing. "I'm afraid I find that difficult to believe" is far preferable to "You're just lying.." "You..." has a tendency to be accusing and the more you use it the more defensive your partner is likely to become.


Take responsibility for yourself rather than for others and don't expect them to fix you.. Know your boundaries and sensitively but firmly point it out when someone has transgressed them. If you are assertive you will communicate openly and directly with your partner rather than expecting them to second guess what is going on. You will let them know when you are happy, hurt, irritated or angry without fearing confrontation because if there is a problem you will want to find a win-win solution.

Deal with issues or problems as they arise rather than allowing frustration to build up. If you wait too long you will probably become more resentful and the situation will be more heated. Or, you might let it completely subside and then blame them for not knowing what you felt.

When you are getting used to being assertive:

• Take a deep breath and speak as calmly as you can.

• Try to see the discussion or conversation as negotiation rather than an argument.

• Make eye contact with your partner.

• Avoid apologising. This makes it look as if you believe you are in the wrong, or at the very least, you are unsure of yourself. But do apologise when you are!

• Choose the right moment to talk things through, but as soon as possible and certainly not in front of other people.

• If you don't get the response you hoped for, don't worry. You can't control or take responsibility for how they respond. If you have been kind, reasonable and clear and if what you say is in the spirit of honesty and respect, you have done your job.

• Do remember that if you are not being honest and direct, you are disrespecting the other person. Either you are denying their ability to deal with reality or you are attempting to manipulate them.

• If you have to deal with a big issue in the relationship, think it through carefully beforehand or talk it through with someone you can trust. Decide what you want and how you will communicate it. Think about whether or not there is room for negotiation and compromise, then come up with your bottom line and stick to it.

I believe the hardest thing in all of this is fear of upsetting the status quo by engaging in a new, albeit more healthy, behaviour. And, believe me, you will meet with resistance from others at least until they get used to it. If they have stayed long enough with your current non-assertive behaviour style, there has been a payoff for them, whether or not they are aware of this or care to admit it.

Some people are afraid of change and growth for fear of rejection or abandonment. What if your partner walked away from the relationship? That uncertainty is certainly difficult to confront. We all fear change to one degree or another. However, if you are changing, becoming more healthy and your partner isn't or can't cope, does this particular relationship work for you anymore? It is not my job to suggest an answer, only you can do that but it is worth exploration

Benefits

There are many benefits to be had from behaving assertively. Here are just a few;

It improves confidence and self-esteem.

You earn respect from others.

You can't be accused of fudging or being unclear.

You create a win-win situation.

You have more honest and real relationships.


Alternatives

The usual alternatives to assertive behaviour are aggressive and passive-aggressive. If your behaviour is directly aggressive and consistent, for eg; shouting, throwing things, hitting someone or destroying their possessions you should seek professional help. This will cause your relationships to fail time and again and without some form of psychological treatment will cause you stress and quite possibly physical health problems.

The more common alternative to assertiveness in a relationship is passive-aggressive behaviour. Passive -aggressive  people don't express anger in a healthy fashion. They bottle it up and find subtle ways of punishing their partner. They may even appear friendly and well meaning but under the surface there will be manipulation going on.

Passive aggression is a destructive behaviour pattern and is a recognised form of emotional abuse.

Examples are;

Sulking. Being silent, sullen and resentful in order to get attention.

Giving the silent treatment or blanking the other person out.

Finding reasons to be obstructive.

Being late for something important. This a way of controlling others and their experience.

Being ambiguous. Being cryptic and unclear, not fully engaging.

Conveniently forgetting something important. This shows a lack of respect and is a way of punishing the other person.

Withholding behaviour. This can be anything from sex to engaging fully, not clearing up. It is not doing something a person is explicitly responsible for doing - as a means of punishment.

Criticising and blaming. Passive -aggressives often don't take responsibility for their own actions and decisions preferring to blame other people for their actions, decisions and poor choices.

The list could go on and on. You will have come across your own examples. The best way to deal with passive-aggressive behaviour is to name it and confront it. Do not buy into the manipulation.

Passive-aggressive behaviour (if it is the predominant style of one person in a relationship) has been linked with a fear of intimacy. There can be issues of trust, likely stemming from early childhood, and they guard against becoming intimately involved or attached. Alongside this they will want a relationship so rather than be vulnerable and honest, the might seek to control it rather than risk full participation.



Moving On (after the relationship ends)

 

 

Even though you decided this relationship wasn't fulfilling and you who had the courage to do something about it, there will be pain and loss.

 

You can expect to go through a grieving process similar to a bereavement. It is best to give it time and let the process of healing and recovery take its course.

 

You may be in shock and denial at first. It is hard to believe it is really over and you still hold out some hope of a reconciliation. You are also likely to feel hurt and guilty. You might mull over how you could have handled the relationship differently. You may find yourself acting as though it hasn't finished.

 

You'll likely go through an angry and bargaining stage too. Maybe if you gave it another go things might work out. It feels like it was all your fault; your expectations were too high, you were too needy, not considerate enough, too insecure, too independent. These are normal feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. Maybe take note of them and talk them through with someone or keep a journal.

 

Mild depression and loneliness are also common reactions to any break-up. They come up as it hits you how much you have lost. But it is normal to grieve, even if you know this particular relationship wasn't right for you. You invested a lot in it and now you have to let go of the expectations you had of yourself, your ex partner and perhaps other people's expectations, like family and friends. You can lessen the impact by spending time with friends and doing things you enjoy.

 

You might feel like you have failed and have made a huge mistake. Of course you haven't failed and you are human so you're entitled to make mistakes. Tell yourself that it is ok to make mistakes and learn from them. You will be better prepared next time. You will know what you want and what you can compromise on.

 

Often when we suffer a loss we tend to idealise the person who is gone - same with relationships. Try to remember what was both good and bad about it. It might be tempting to see the other person as some sort of ideal while you were the one who fell short of whatever it was that would keep you together. The truth is you both have strengths and weaknesses.

 

While you are going through this difficult process make sure you surround yourself with supportive people who care about you. Try to accept that these intense feelings will lesson over time and while you have made the right decision for you, venturing out into the unknown, unfamiliar again is also quite frightening. Be kind to yourself. It is normal to feel this way just at the moment.

 

Time Apart

 

Even if the relationship ended on relatively friendly terms ( and you want to remain friends) it is important to have time apart to allow emotions to subside. How long that might be is up to you but it is probably a good idea to leave it until you can talk or meet without any ulterior motive on your part.

The grieving process leaves the best of us feeling vulnerable and you don't want to do, say or commit to something you might regret at a later stage.

 

Some people find it easier to cut off all contact, at least for a period of time. This might seem difficult, and it will be at first, but it is the quickest way to kick start your process of recovery.

 

Try to avoid checking up on your ex partner through mutual friends or social media. It could be tempting to know what they are up to and it might make you feel better temporarily (because it reduces anxiety). However, in the longer term it will only cause you more hurt and delay your healing process.

 

Big Decisions

 

While you are going through the grieving process it is best not to make any major decisions. Give yourself time to go through it. In my work, I know somebody is coming out of the process when they can talk about what was good and not good about the person or the relationship and what they might take forward into the rest of their lives. They will have begun to reconnect with people and interests that may have been neglected. They know there is a future and it can be bright.

 

Remember, at least once you have shown that you are capable of giving and receiving love and being in a relationship. Just because this one fizzled out or you got to know yourself better and it wasn't what you wanted or needed does not mean that there isn't one that is right for you.

 

This might sound obvious! Don't get into another relationship until you've gotten over this one. People often do as a way of avoiding the pain. You won't be able to put yourself fully into it and you might get involved with someone you wouldn't normally, only to regret it later. Take time to reflect and know what you want, otherwise you could find yourself choosing (unconsciously) a person similar to your ex  who will unwittingly help you to repeat old, unhealthy patterns.

 

Reflect

 

When it feels right, reflect on the relationship. Despite how it may seem at the moment it can be an opportunity to grow and become stronger.

 

Think about your relationship patterns.

 

• Was this just one of those things or have you found yourself in relationships that didn't (or perhaps never could) work before?

 

•  Do you tend to choose the wrong person for you over and over? What could this tell you about yourself?

 

• How do you deal with conflict and insecurity? How do you deal with feeling vulnerable?

 

• Are you able and willing to assert your needs in relationships?

 

• Do you accept others as they are?

 

• Do you accept yourself as you are?

 

• Can you meet your own expectations or do you often find yourself meeting somebody else's?

 

You may have many other questions that are unique to who you are and what your situation or relationship was like.

 

Following on from this, what do you want from any future relationship? Thinking carefully about this one, and what was missing for you will be helpful. You can have what you want (within reason) but you must firstly, know what that is, and secondly be prepared to communicate it.

 

What will you do differently next time?

 

It can't be said often enough that if you are going through all of this,  give yourself a break. Reach out and ask for support and try to get out and have as much fun as possible while at the same time not avoiding or denying the reality of the situation.